I need help. I really need help. I know that we are the only ones who can help us, but those are empty words. I’ve played every inspirational song I can think of but nothing is helping. I’m already losing the ability to focus and I’m having chest pains.

We left residential treatment on Thanksgiving and since have lost weight. Today, somebody felt guilty for eating a 100 calorie English Muffin and so we purged it and went and exercised for an hour. When the husband, D., came home, we went and exercised with him for 45 minutes and that made the heart start to feel very heavy. We ate a decent dinner, I guess. I’m certainly overly and uncomfortably full from it.

It is so easy to berate myself for watching this demise again. But I was afraid this would happen and in treatment I didn’t prepare myself well enough for it. I was supposed to go to the IOP but that fell through. Insurance is trying to find me a new one but the only other IOP in my area is a little bit of a drive and it scares me because I would have to get on the Interstate and I don’t like that.

But I ABSOLUTELY need something to fill my days. I called my old boss because I was technically never terminated, even though I was away from work for ten months, but they never said a word. I tried to keep in touch with her during my treatment but she would never call me back. Now that I’m home, she will have to deal with me. I would rather go back to work than go to IOP. At least the eating disorder would rather me go to work because I can keep us busy and forget about food.

I could tell from working out how weak we’ve gotten. Didn’t phase me. I’ve exercised through extreme fatigue before. I really want to start school up again but know this is not a wise choice. The best thing for me is to do the damn IOP. I just don’t want to drive. I will know on Wednesday, Dec 10th whether I’m officially going.

Another reason I hate myself is that I’m doing NOTHING that I learned in treatment. The members are not being contained and we are having images and flashbacks. The switching tonight was so awful I wanted…well, I was really upset. Constantly, over and over, they fight to gain dominancy. I hate it. It makes me off balance and as I type this the emotion is pouring through my fingertips and I fear I will emotionally erupt. I take so many medications to counter the anxiety but none are working. I’m a mess in progress.

I need a joke.