a little over a year ago i came face to face with one of my abusers. I wanted so badly for an apology. initially i received one, then he recanted. he claimed it didn’t happen.

today my birth mother is going to see her family, including this abuser who is her brother.  I’m trying to understand how to feel about “the family” supporting him, wanting to see him.  it’s also disturbing that the birth mother would go and not stand up for her daughter. i’m confused. Parts of me are feeling defeated. How could the aunts and uncles, her brothers and sisters, want to associate with an abuser? Is there not enough love in their heart for me to hate their brother who hurt me?

I wanted to go with them for the visit. only just to scare him, intimidate him, and make the visit uncomfortable for him. but i thought in the end it would just hurt me worse than it would him. i thought the Littles would be traumatized by his presence and the rest of us would feel small again. helpless.

sadness is coiling around me, squeezing out the ever flickering light inside of me. i feel so betrayed, so alone, so . . . silenced.