On the personal

If You Really Knew Me, Then You Would Know . . .

As I sat down to write this blog post, it was initially on a different topic.  I’m not narcissistic enough to think people want to 40 things about me, but I’m feeling a little introspective, so I wanted to share some things I am thinking.   I thought a post on things you do not know about me might be helpful, and you might even be able to connect and relate to what I feel or have experienced.    Let me tell you first that I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.  I’M …

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FRIDAY FEELINGS – THE BASICS OF SELF CARE – VOL 1

Never really engaging in self-care, I had no idea what to expect, write, or suggest about it. I’ve been to enough treatment facilities that encouraged self-care, but I always believed I didn’t deserve it, so I wouldn’t even try. But learning that self-care lowers stress levels, helps maintain focus on recovery, and helps boost personal happiness, I knew that whether I believed I deserved self-care or not, I was going to “fake it till I make it”; I was going to act like I deserved it. But where to begin? First, the website Psych Central defines self care as “any …

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ARE YOU SAFE?

Trigger Warning YOU ARE NOT SAFE, NOT EVEN CLOSE. I am quite uneasy; be still my nerves.  An unknown nagging feeling keeps jabbing at the back of my mind, worrying me, filling me with concern and disrupting my thoughts.   I am supposed to write something for Therapist, but I don’t know if I have an accurate topic.  Something about finding a reason to give up cutting and restricting.   I suppose this is in response to the fact that I’ve been cutting and joined a weight loss program that I am taking a little too far. So I guess …

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Dear Me, I Hate You

These are things difficult to discuss because I’m afraid it will be thought I’m only seeking attention.  So when I say I don’t want to talk about it, we really might need to discuss it but are afraid of people being overly concerned or or just not caring.  There is no easy way, and we don’t know how to do “this” because “this” isn’t a goddamn thing. And tired of your pretending to care. It’s all bullshit.  I’m against this post.  Never works.  Never.

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Eating my Silence

Suspend what you think you know, and hear everything that needs to be said, wants to be said, has to be said, but the words are eaten by silence.   You don’t know with whom you are dealing. Ask no questions. p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Helvetica Neue’; color: #454545}

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Finite Capability

Depression has slammed into me today; a blanket of bruising blues.  And the head hurts like fireworks exploding inside their own shells.   I don’t know how this post will be accomplished. I didn’t realize the extent to which my emotions had captured me when I woke this morning until I couldn’t figure out which breakfast had the fewer calories.  My indecision told me I was in store for a difficult day. I consumed my breakfast, and now it has consumed me: the worry, the constant turning over in my head how I will burn the calories or will I …

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Both Roads Taken

Another sleepless night so far.  The anxiety has mostly lessened since my previous post,  but the sleepless nights continue despite medication.  Psychiatrist gave me a new med to try, but it gives me an unrelenting headache the next day, and it also causes weight gain, so I won’t use it anymore.  I’ve gone back to my previous sleep med, but it isn’t working.  It’s our lot in life. I purged twice today.  I can’t remember the last time I purged.  I’m not sure why I engaged in this behavior.  Maybe I know.  Maybe I don’t.  Who cares?  All I know is …

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Getting Schooled on my Failures

Today has been a difficult day for us.  In the region where we live, the students have already gone back to school, and all my teacher friends are posting their unabashed optimism and excitement for the new school year. I feel left out. I feel like a failure. I feel grossly incompetent. I still castigate myself on why I failed as a teacher.  Husband asked me last night if it had not been for my eating disorder, would I still be teaching.  I responded that my eating disorder would have made sure I wasn’t teaching or working in any manner …

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Big Fat Lies

It’s been a few years since I’ve been on here.  Don’t really know what I’ve been up to except teaching high school and going off to treatment. Tonight I was looking at the very first entry in an incomplete journal book, beginning date of 10-15-2008.  I was in residential treatment at the time. There was a line written in that entry that I found poignant as I reviewed it.  It read: My eating disorder cares more about me than I do about myself.   Nine years later, that’s probably still true. On the opposite page of the journal entry, I was …

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The Miserable Ones

It’s not insignificant; it’s my life; it’s my mood. I thought I had made peace with my obsession, but my definition of self-respect, self-worth, and confidence is still determined by my weight.    I only wear sweat pants so no one can see the shame layered on my hips and thighs. I don’t want to leave the house because I’m too fat, and the house is tired of sheltering me and my insecurities, tired of hiding me inside her judgmental walls. But I’m too afraid to leave the house at this weight. I really don’t want to live at this number. I’m …

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