On the personal

Simplified Story Of My Life As Told In Gifs

Welcome to the simplified story of my life. First, when I was born, I was already causing problems. I grew up as a misfit.  Nobody liked me, and I had no friends.  I was bullied mercilessly. In my teens, anxiety started to consume me. I wondered what was happening to me.  I thought I was going crazy. I knew I was different. I was so depressed, all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day. I couldn’t think clearly. My dog told me to snap out of it. But no matter what I did, I was still miserable. …

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WEDNESDAY WISDOM – VOL 1

Norman Cousins (1912 – 1990) This is a quote from Norman Cousins (1912 – 1990) who was an American journalist and editor in chief of the Saturday Review for over 35 years.  He was known for his quotes on life, death, laughter, and health.    When we think about loss, most times our minds go to people we have lost in death.  But Cousins said losing someone wasn’t the greatest loss of all; he posited that the death of what lies inside us while we yet live is the greatest loss. For me, I thought about things that I have …

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Writing, Therapy, and Flashbacks

I don’t feel like conspiring to write brilliantly.  I don’t want to care that the creativity has gone out of me like a candle in the wind.  I think I shall never write again because we are not in the blackouts of depression, despair, or constant self-damnation to write from the heart and soul again. There’s a website I’m linking here called Writing Forward that has creative writing prompts, but I haven’t been doing them.  Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because there’s no audience to which to write, maybe the prompts just don’t speak to me like writing about the …

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A Gluttonous Hijacking of Words

I want to talk. I really, really do.  But it’s just too late.   Games are all I can do, and I’ve been messing with you.  At least I’m honest. What a shame for me to annihilate chances to get help and for you to get so close to the truth and have it disappear in your hand like a puff of unicorn dust.  I don’t always enjoy doing it, but we all have a call.  I supposed you could say this is mine.  And yours?  I haven’t decided yet. I do know this.  When I tell you the truth, …

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I AM the Old Struggle

This weekend was an exercise in futility.  Still reeling from the session with Therapist written about  here,  I unsuccessfully navigated a weekend that was filled with meaning and importance for me, and I failed. I keep going over it in my mind, twisting it, turning it, unknotting it, what was said by Therapist  and I’m starting to feel angry about the session. I don’t know. I don’t know.  I don’t know. I. don’t. know. My guard is up.  My mind is closed clam shut. I reverted back to whom I don’t want to be. Fuck all that. These words are …

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Deja Vu Times Two

I wrote the piece below in April of 1995.  I am posting it today because it still defines my existence.  The writing is about how it is so hard to be hopeful because there is always something to strip me of that comfort. I concede today I choose to live my days clouded with negativity, but Therapist does not understand why I refuse to give in to the fallacy of hope and positive thinking.  I’ve been in places before where I felt hopeful, optimistic, and encouraged, but I am ALWAYS, sooner or later, brought back to where I was born: …

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Mary, Mary

I’m feeling quite sad. I found out my friend, Mary, lost her battle with Anorexia and passed away. Mary and I were good friends in treatment. Mary was a little naughty in the hospital and was not allowed to be away from the nurse’s station, so she always asked me to join her at the table and to play Uno with her. We talked a lot, and Mary would always make me laugh. She was spicy and colorful. She would make fun of the staff and the doctors till I was in stitches. Since treatment, I had seen Mary at …

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Thanks for nothing

i really don’t know what will become of me. The anxiety is so so bad that i was so close to D. taking me to the medical hospital. i coulnd’t walk, the room was shaking, I wanted to jump out of my skin. And no matter what I did I coudln’t get better. Today, no matter how many tranqs. I took I was still seeing double. I can feel the buildup because I’ve been crying during these attacks. and please, someone, realize how far gone i am. i can’t do this anymore. and things go though my mind and my …

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