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THE NOT-SO BIG REVEAL OUT OF HIDING!

Always have to start with Maybelline.  She’s the beginning and the end of my world. Today sucks.  I hate today.  I feel depressed because I’m fat.  I am having some distressing gastrointestinal issues going on, and they are wreaking havoc on my body and making me feel fat . . . . which in turn makes me depressed.  So I’ve been hiding in my apartment all day. So I thought of one thing that might make me feel better today which is to stop hiding behind an anonymous screen and reveal my picture and identity.  I’ve been thinking about revealing …

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WEDNESDAY WISDOM – VOL 1

Norman Cousins (1912 – 1990) This is a quote from Norman Cousins (1912 – 1990) who was an American journalist and editor in chief of the Saturday Review for over 35 years.  He was known for his quotes on life, death, laughter, and health.    When we think about loss, most times our minds go to people we have lost in death.  But Cousins said losing someone wasn’t the greatest loss of all; he posited that the death of what lies inside us while we yet live is the greatest loss. For me, I thought about things that I have …

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ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG CHANGES?!!

Maybelline loves this heated plush throw I bought, and she has been hunkered down in my arms to share it with me. Winds of Change I’ve decided to make some changes to the blog.  First off, every Monday will be considered “Music Monday”, and I will give three songs that I feel have some commentary on recovery.  I will draw from all types of music, country, rap, R & B, pop; nothing is off limits.  I will also add why I chose that song and why it’s relavant to my recovery at that time.  It’s my hope that you will …

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LIVING A MYSTERY

Maybelline snuggling up with my bear on a road trip.   Worth Wondering. WHO’S ON FIRST? So my session with Therapist was interesting yesterday.  At one point he mentioned an alter, Tina, but she was already and participating in the session, but he didn’t know it.  And I’m like, “Dude, don’t you know after all these years who you talkin’ to?”  Made me lose confidence that he really knows who we are and aren’t.  Does he not know us by now?  You can’t tell I’m in the room?  I HATE being talked about in 3rd person. JOB TALK We discussed things …

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GETTING BETTER: THE CONUDRUM

Maybelline learning to solve a puzzle for her treats. Pieces Taken from Wednesday’s Journal Entry Guess I’ve occupied myself well enough today.  Most of the depression lingering in my soul is dissipating.  Did some cleaning today and cooking.  Breaded pork loin chops, sauteed cabbage, and mashed potatoes were made.  Wasn’t too bad.  Better than the pigs in a blanket I failed at making yesterday.   I’m listening to the same song on repeat called “Good Enough” by Sarah McLachlan, and she has two lines in it that hit me right in the heart.  She sings, “And I don’t understand; you …

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WHAT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY LOOK LIKE

Today I feel so depressed and anxious.  I’m having trouble just getting up off the couch.  I did water my plant and opened the windows for some fresh air, but I’m still in my pajamas and may stay in them all day.  I’ve already gone to McDonalds for a soda in my pajamas and house shoes.  What the fuck do I care?  I haven’t made my bed or unloaded the dishwasher.  It’s Monday, and normally this is the day I clean the apartment.  And Maybelline is sad because I haven’t take her for a walk.  I hate this day. I …

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Writing, Therapy, and Flashbacks

I don’t feel like conspiring to write brilliantly.  I don’t want to care that the creativity has gone out of me like a candle in the wind.  I think I shall never write again because we are not in the blackouts of depression, despair, or constant self-damnation to write from the heart and soul again. There’s a website I’m linking here called Writing Forward that has creative writing prompts, but I haven’t been doing them.  Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because there’s no audience to which to write, maybe the prompts just don’t speak to me like writing about the …

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Am I Reality? and What Not to Disclose to Your Therapist!

An amalgam of three days of journal writing Our purpose here is to figure out two things:  1) how to nurture our angry protector Tina 2) Therapist mentioned that we need acceptance.  Figure out what he meant by acceptance.  Accept what? I don’t know what he meant by acceptance.  All I want to do is ask him to see us twice a week.  Would that be nurturing enough for Tina to see the only person she even semi-trusts for two hours a week?  Therapist would say no and charge us with finding other people we can trust, and then that …

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Great Unrealistic Expectations

My dog Maybelline is stressing me.  She wants to go on a walk, and I just don’t have it in me to get off this couch, which makes me feel like a terrible pet partner. Taken from today’s journal: Been a busy day.  Service, errands, back pain.  The works.  I wish I could take a muscle relaxer right now, but I’m supposed to take Mabes for walk, and I can’t do that if I’m asleep. Times and days are running together.  I find no support anywhere.  I was doing fine until Husband came home.  I was busy packing for our …

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Finite Capability

Depression has slammed into me today; a blanket of bruising blues.  And the head hurts like fireworks exploding inside their own shells.   I don’t know how this post will be accomplished. I didn’t realize the extent to which my emotions had captured me when I woke this morning until I couldn’t figure out which breakfast had the fewer calories.  My indecision told me I was in store for a difficult day. I consumed my breakfast, and now it has consumed me: the worry, the constant turning over in my head how I will burn the calories or will I …

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