Uncategorized

GETTING BETTER: THE CONUDRUM

Maybelline learning to solve a puzzle for her treats. Pieces Taken from Wednesday’s Journal Entry Guess I’ve occupied myself well enough today.  Most of the depression lingering in my soul is dissipating.  Did some cleaning today and cooking.  Breaded pork loin chops, sauteed cabbage, and mashed potatoes were made.  Wasn’t too bad.  Better than the pigs in a blanket I failed at making yesterday.   I’m listening to the same song on repeat called “Good Enough” by Sarah McLachlan, and she has two lines in it that hit me right in the heart.  She sings, “And I don’t understand; you …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Tales from the visits with Mother-In-Law

I went out of town for a few days.  Not a vacation.  More like looking after recently widowed Mother-In-Law.  I love her dearly, but she came back with me for a week, and I’m already nervous.  My dissociation has heightened to an unmeasurable degree.  I don’t play nicely with others, and I don’t want to share my apartment with her.  I couldn’t even begin to write until I heavily medicated myself and put myself into a sleep. I don’t think it’s Mother-In-Law.  I think my new apartment has been created as a place of comfort, and I don’t even like …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

ARE YOU SAFE?

Trigger Warning YOU ARE NOT SAFE, NOT EVEN CLOSE. I am quite uneasy; be still my nerves.  An unknown nagging feeling keeps jabbing at the back of my mind, worrying me, filling me with concern and disrupting my thoughts.   I am supposed to write something for Therapist, but I don’t know if I have an accurate topic.  Something about finding a reason to give up cutting and restricting.   I suppose this is in response to the fact that I’ve been cutting and joined a weight loss program that I am taking a little too far. So I guess …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Dear Me, I Hate You

These are things difficult to discuss because I’m afraid it will be thought I’m only seeking attention.  So when I say I don’t want to talk about it, we really might need to discuss it but are afraid of people being overly concerned or or just not caring.  There is no easy way, and we don’t know how to do “this” because “this” isn’t a goddamn thing. And tired of your pretending to care. It’s all bullshit.  I’m against this post.  Never works.  Never.

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Writing, Therapy, and Flashbacks

I don’t feel like conspiring to write brilliantly.  I don’t want to care that the creativity has gone out of me like a candle in the wind.  I think I shall never write again because we are not in the blackouts of depression, despair, or constant self-damnation to write from the heart and soul again. There’s a website I’m linking here called Writing Forward that has creative writing prompts, but I haven’t been doing them.  Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because there’s no audience to which to write, maybe the prompts just don’t speak to me like writing about the …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

PAINKILLER

Things are quiet and subdued tonight.  Though I feel the need to write, words scurry away. I can’t wrap my mind around what is happening to me.   I listen to music; it is a salve to my soul. Music speaks to me and comforts me, and I need all the comfort I can obtain now.   I wish I could use my own words to kill my pain, but they do not evolve, so I borrow other’s.   I am empty, tired, drained.  I’ve cried so much today that my eyes burn.   I’ll put it on the list …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Am I Reality? and What Not to Disclose to Your Therapist!

An amalgam of three days of journal writing Our purpose here is to figure out two things:  1) how to nurture our angry protector Tina 2) Therapist mentioned that we need acceptance.  Figure out what he meant by acceptance.  Accept what? I don’t know what he meant by acceptance.  All I want to do is ask him to see us twice a week.  Would that be nurturing enough for Tina to see the only person she even semi-trusts for two hours a week?  Therapist would say no and charge us with finding other people we can trust, and then that …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Home of the Not-So Brave

It’s been two weeks since I’ve written.  In that time I’ve lost a dear father-in-law to death, moved from a nice home to a cramped, crappy apartment, had an exhausting moving sale where all I did was fight with Birth Mother, and have barely escaped foreclosure on my home.  I’ve had enough. In the meantime I’ve discovered I’ve been doing it all wrong.  Dissociation and my approach to it. If there really is dissociation, and I still deny it, I won’t ever heal.  I don’t know how to handle insider people or if I even want to acknowledge them.  Just …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Great Unrealistic Expectations

My dog Maybelline is stressing me.  She wants to go on a walk, and I just don’t have it in me to get off this couch, which makes me feel like a terrible pet partner. Taken from today’s journal: Been a busy day.  Service, errands, back pain.  The works.  I wish I could take a muscle relaxer right now, but I’m supposed to take Mabes for walk, and I can’t do that if I’m asleep. Times and days are running together.  I find no support anywhere.  I was doing fine until Husband came home.  I was busy packing for our …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Protecting the Protector

I want to write, and I want to call out Sheila to discuss without emotion and bias what is happening regarding Tina, particularly and her denial of D.I.D. I’ll address my surmise of how Tina feels currently.  She wants to push the agenda that there is no dissociation because she feels out of the loop.  When was the last time she really had to defend and protect us?  Okay.  Besides the handshake incident.  Other than that, not too recently. I predict her services will be needed again, but she’s not used to being in the silent role.  She’s used to …

Continue Reading