Wednesday Wisdom

How to Talk to Others About Mental Illness Now

I was sitting in my chair, trying to silence my snowballing anxiety, but you know how that goes. I was naseuous, dizzy, constantly rubbing my head and face, beating my skull against the chair, not able to speak with clarity, ect., very noticable symptoms. My sister-in-law just looked at me, then looked away. I felt judged, ignored, and crazy, for a lack of a better word. I would have preferred she had asked me what was happening with me, or how she could help me, at least acknowledge I was going through a rough time, struggling with my mental illness, …

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Accepting my Unacceptance

I feel moody. I feel like nobody likes me. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel disgusting. I feel like saying, ”Physician heal thyself” because I tweet all kinds of positive and inspirational sayings and expressions on Twitter, and I believe them at the time, but later I feel so distant from what I expressed just an hour earlier. I am having a hard time on this Tuesday, what other people are calling Christmas. It is always hard on Christmas. I would love to give to the littles what we never had. Loving parents. A cozy, safe, decorated house. …

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Internal Switching and Milestones

I’m trying to write through the anxiety. Right now I’m about to jump out of my skin. Not sure why. I was reading for school when I first noticed the anxiety welling up in my chest. Then come the switches. And these aren’t regular switches. They feel more internal than external. Like, I know when I’m switching on the outside because I feel my face change shapes; I notice my body language change; there is a different tone in my thoughts. But I have other switches that are less explanatory and more mystifying. They way I view them is more …

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Question Asked, Question Answered Part 2

Castor Girl asked a question of me in a post on May 8 regarding our loneliness and what was causing it. She asked, “Do you know what’s happened to you to make you feel so lonely?” Several events have taken place that explain the recent onset of loneliness. First, I started reading a book called Beating Ana, and in this book the author asserts that relationships replace eating disorders. We began to think about this idea and began to see the trueness of the words. For so long we’ve turned down offers to see movies, go shopping, or have lunch …

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What matters

Over the weekend, I had an opportunity to attend a gathering of acquintances I know for a small celebration. I told D. that I didn’t want to go, but I really wanted nothing else but to go and see people and see the presentation that was to be put on. You see, these “friends” are very strict and conservative. The last time they saw me I didn’t have pink hair, no nose piercing, and two tattoos. I was a blank slate. Dressed conservatively, rigidly, and fit into a very small box. Now, I’m pure as the driven snow. Not really, …

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Friendship for sale

Here I am at Panera Bread Co. I’ve just finished my therapy session and I’m waiting for my movie to start. I’m going to the dollar theater to see Gran Torino. I’m just trying to add structure to my day. Depression has a ravenous hold on me, chomping away at me. This is such an effort. Also a torture. All I want to do is find the safety of my living room couch. The bed in and of itself is unsafe. Panera Bread Co. is packed. I peek out over the top of my screen and see tables filled with …

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To share or not to share

Assignment: I want to open up to my peers and share what is going on inside of me, but to open up to any of them scares me in more ways than I can enumerate. First, it opens me up to ridicule, derision, and the unfavorable opinion of others, not that that is what I will receive from my peers in residential treatment, but it’s what I’ve received my whole life from others. During my middle school years I was the constant target of bullying and taunting and have carried those scars with me to the present day, making it …

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