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Whispers Heard as Screams

I’m going on record declaring this complete bull shit. —————————————————————————————– I don’t know what to say really.  I don’t know what to feel either. Maybe I am really okay, and it didn’t hurt as badly as it seems.  Or, maybe I’m covering up the greatest pain we’ve ever known throughout the gift of numbness. I’m sure I am being dramatic.  It’s true; I’m not crying.  No, I’m not overly anxious.  Surely there is nothing wrong. I mean, what damage has been done?  Maybe the lack of feelings are because the damage is more intellectual, more cerebral.  Emotionally it’s no big …

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Glimpses and Misses

  If you asked me what is wrong, I couldn’t tell you.  I would want to tell you, but I wouldn’t be able to.  I don’t know what is wrong; I only know something isn’t right.  I’ve been feeling this way off and on for two weeks.  The anxiety is palpable.  It comes in waves and crashes.  I become paralyzed, fearful, and teary.  There have been a few times, such as tonight, when I could trace the anxiety to a member, or trace it other times when the anxiety comes at night when I’m waiting for sleep to find me. …

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Internal Switching and Milestones

I’m trying to write through the anxiety. Right now I’m about to jump out of my skin. Not sure why. I was reading for school when I first noticed the anxiety welling up in my chest. Then come the switches. And these aren’t regular switches. They feel more internal than external. Like, I know when I’m switching on the outside because I feel my face change shapes; I notice my body language change; there is a different tone in my thoughts. But I have other switches that are less explanatory and more mystifying. They way I view them is more …

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From 0 to 60

It’s a painfully slow post. It’s been brewing for days but, understandably, never comes to fruition. For most of the week I’ve been blank. Blank as in blank. Lifeless. Disconnected. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned. Meaningless. When I tried to explain this to Therapist yesterday he didn’t get it. I grappled for words. I felt inside prison walls that I just wanted to escape. (Thank you Victoria for these words.) I don’t know what can be more hellacious than being blank. You feel worthless, like an outsider. Therapist thinks being blank is another way to avoid discussing the painful details of my …

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Disturbia

I find it disturbing and disruptive. The people behind my eyes are active and I feel pressure in my head. Does anyone else get that way when the switching is intense? They switch back and forth, never landing on a single personality. I’m switching as I write this. They chase my thoughts away and never look back. I don’t know what they want. Sometimes the switches come with memories, sometimes not. For now, the memories are silent and I am grateful. I am scared of my members. They are scared of me, too. (A voice just told me that.) I …

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Crowd of people

My head hurts. I just don’t feel right. My alters have been all over the board today; even now, I feel them hovering around. There’s not a moments peace or a moment alone. I am proud of myself for getting out of bed and taking the documents up to our university so we may begin classes again in the Fall. Sounds weird saying that. Just earlier one of our more depressed alters was out and she was talking of death. We have the means available to us and she was playing with the patches. She seems to have cried her …

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Switchy-poo

I don’t know where I am tonight, but I felt like writing something to just check in with the cyber world. My head is screaming in pain, my anxiety is off the scale, and I feel grotesquly fat and obese. I’m upset that I’m empty. I used to be such a good writer, though you would never know it from my blog postings. But I could say what I wanted with the words that I wanted and I would feel so complete and satisfied. Nowadays, my alters are giving me nothing to say. You see, I don’t know how other …

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