Uncategorized

Tales from the visits with Mother-In-Law

I went out of town for a few days.  Not a vacation.  More like looking after recently widowed Mother-In-Law.  I love her dearly, but she came back with me for a week, and I’m already nervous.  My dissociation has heightened to an unmeasurable degree.  I don’t play nicely with others, and I don’t want to share my apartment with her.  I couldn’t even begin to write until I heavily medicated myself and put myself into a sleep. I don’t think it’s Mother-In-Law.  I think my new apartment has been created as a place of comfort, and I don’t even like …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Silent Screams

Things are quiet, but they’re not. There’s not much to talk about, but there’s so much to say. I haven’t been posting or taking photos of my food because the words aren’t there and neither is the food. The eating disorder is a little bit louder these days, and I’m having a hard time with my food. A dichotomy is growing inside: those who are pro life and those who are pro eating disorder. The recovery voice is still speaking, alerting us there is life worth living outside of an eating disorder. I listen closely, praying she is right. She …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

A curvy woman

The drama of this past weekend has subsided a little. I met with Dietician today and explained to her how I felt I couldn’t trust her because she was making me fat. When she weighed me, my weight had maintained over the past month, so she may not be making me as fat as I feel she is. An area we talked about was the subject of curves on a woman. I said to her I felt I was gaining weight primarily in my hips and thighs and she asked me what was wrong with having curves. When she asked …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Oops! I did it again…(Trigger Warning for ED talk)

Oops…I did it again. I binged and purged today. I won’t lie; I felt better afterward. All my anxiety had been lifted, and I felt clean. It all started this morning when I went shopping for a swimsuit and a dress. I took six dresses, 3 swimsuits, and what little self-esteem I had into the dressing room. I thought there was a conspiracy with the dresses to accentuate every ounce of fat on me. The swimsuits were even more malicious. Nothing fit like I thought it would. And I then I realized why; I was used to seeing myself with …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Oh, no! She didn’t!!

It can happen so quickly. One comment can shoot you right down out of the sky. That happened to me today at the gym. I was down stairs lifting weights, feeling pretty good, and a woman that I see there on a regular basis came up to me and proceeds to tell me that, according to her, she thinks I look much healthier now. She says for a while I had been too thin and looked peaked and sickly. Yes, she says, I look much better now. I realize she meant to pay me a compliment and how could she …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

The beast

On a housekeeping note, I want to thank Paul, cbtish, Shades of Ivory, and Grace for their comments. I know I haven’t responded to them and for that I’m sorry. Your support and insight means a lot. It’s been a long, hard, bad day. I am restless and feel like I’m going out of my mind. I don’t know why I’m about to write this shit. I am not in my right mind. The beast is awake again and I can do nothing about it. It’s the eating disorder behavior. I’ve always been one to exercise. I started when I …

Continue Reading