Worst class ever. I left my writing class crying to my professor, something I detest. I had to meet with him privately to give him paperwork on certain accomodations they make for me in school since I’m not very bright and things have to be repeated over and over again before I finally get it, if I ever do. The evening went down hill from there. D., my husband, is out of town, and I knew I would be in trouble. It’s easy enough to purge when he’s here, so it’s so much easier to purge when he’s not. I filled up on all the food I’ve been denying myself and ate till I was literally and intentionally sick. then I did it again. I’m paying because I feel like crap now. but I don’t care.

I’m so sick of my own thoughts. I need to get some new ones. Then I’ll get sick of those. I was reading other blogs a little while ago and it makes me sick how positive and healthy they sound. What have they done that I haven’t? That’s a legitimate question? Why am I not making it to the places they are? Did they struggle to achieve some peace or did it come somewhat naturally?

Fuck it and damn it to hell.

Even the happy music makes me aggravated. I should be feeling nothing at this point because of the tranqs I took. I want to be lost to oblivion.

One reason I was blabbering to my professor was because of what he talking about what the requirements of our reading would be in the future. He believes we can’t teach writing without going through the writing process ourselves. I can teach my students how to write different types of text without going through the experience myself so I can let them know that I faced the same challenges myself. My professor was going to let my off the hook for some of the more personal writing but I declined. I have to give my future students a fair shake. I can’t ask them to keep an open mind and try new things, as painful as they may be (although I reserve the right to rescind that opinion), or encourage my students to share their writing if I don’t try the same. So it is a wait and see approach as the class progresses. He seems remotely understanding, although I still havnen’t made up my mind if I like him.

The shifts were extremely busy driving me crazy this morning but things settled down once we got to work. Perhaps because it was so busy. I didn’t have time to do my school work, which is one and the only perk of my job.

i feel like i’m going to a bad place.

it’s hard to know who reads this and who doesn’t. people don’t comment. maybe that’s because the posts are so negative and wtf do you say to that? it is certainly different from the positive blogs floating out there. but not everyone is in a happy place. not everyone has made it to the other side, IF it exists for everyone. i felt bad for not writing…lost thought.

my body is physically tired and weak. i see the Dr. tomorrow morning about my ankle. I damaged it overexcercising and hope i didn’t do much damage because I am aching to get back on the excercise machine. i really should stay off. i’m dizzy and have no energy. i’m not complaining or bragging. it’s just fact. i relish the fact that my body is breaking down little by little and i’m focused enough to witness it. it’s different this time. there is nothing holding it back. it is full steam ahead. the momentum that was lost to get better has switched to my side and joined me in the fight to destroy the self. while before some were all gung ho about going to therapy even when we put up a fight, and wanted to blog about something positive or helpful for therapy, that fighting spirit is gone. We are as disconnected from therapy and our therpay as can be. I don’t see ever getting it back. I don’t know what happened and worry if I think about it it willl resurface. All I want at this point is to waste away, have the damn world witness it, and be as powerfull and helpless to help us as we’ve been all these years. sounds mean? BFD.

SSSHHHH! Whisper!!! there is a little piece inside that wants to get better but it’s fading so fast so fast so fast that it will be gone soon. i know we are dying and i fear nothing can save us this time. we have never been able to save ourselves. if they can’t do it for us or help us, what do we do now? my tears are gone. they don’t want anything else. help. whisper……