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PAINKILLER

Things are quiet and subdued tonight.  Though I feel the need to write, words scurry away. I can’t wrap my mind around what is happening to me.   I listen to music; it is a salve to my soul. Music speaks to me and comforts me, and I need all the comfort I can obtain now.   I wish I could use my own words to kill my pain, but they do not evolve, so I borrow other’s.   I am empty, tired, drained.  I’ve cried so much today that my eyes burn.   I’ll put it on the list …

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Protecting the Protector

I want to write, and I want to call out Sheila to discuss without emotion and bias what is happening regarding Tina, particularly and her denial of D.I.D. I’ll address my surmise of how Tina feels currently.  She wants to push the agenda that there is no dissociation because she feels out of the loop.  When was the last time she really had to defend and protect us?  Okay.  Besides the handshake incident.  Other than that, not too recently. I predict her services will be needed again, but she’s not used to being in the silent role.  She’s used to …

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Conversations with my imagination

Saw Therapist again.  It was another wasted session where I refuted that I dissociate or have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.  To complicate matters more for me, he never came out and said, “Yes, you do have D.I.D.” which gives me cause for hope and despair.  If we don’t have D.I.D., then what is wrong with me?  I had a happy childhood.  Most of my memories growing up are good, though there are always some you wish you could leave behind and forget.  So now we are floating all adrift, don’t know where we’re going, how to get there, …

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Whispers Heard as Screams

I’m going on record declaring this complete bull shit. —————————————————————————————– I don’t know what to say really.  I don’t know what to feel either. Maybe I am really okay, and it didn’t hurt as badly as it seems.  Or, maybe I’m covering up the greatest pain we’ve ever known throughout the gift of numbness. I’m sure I am being dramatic.  It’s true; I’m not crying.  No, I’m not overly anxious.  Surely there is nothing wrong. I mean, what damage has been done?  Maybe the lack of feelings are because the damage is more intellectual, more cerebral.  Emotionally it’s no big …

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I AM the Old Struggle

This weekend was an exercise in futility.  Still reeling from the session with Therapist written about  here,  I unsuccessfully navigated a weekend that was filled with meaning and importance for me, and I failed. I keep going over it in my mind, twisting it, turning it, unknotting it, what was said by Therapist  and I’m starting to feel angry about the session. I don’t know. I don’t know.  I don’t know. I. don’t. know. My guard is up.  My mind is closed clam shut. I reverted back to whom I don’t want to be. Fuck all that. These words are …

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If the Truth Were Told

I even said a prayer before my session with Therapist today and asked God that I not be so guarded and to help me be open to change.  But what transpired between me and Therapist was more than I bargained for, and I deeply regret it. As I remember it, the discussion centered around purging and how I think eating makes me a whore.  I didn’t understand these feelings, so he asked something around the idea of did I want to know why there might be the association of food being dirty and how eating makes me a whore. Here’s …

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Both Roads Taken

Another sleepless night so far.  The anxiety has mostly lessened since my previous post,  but the sleepless nights continue despite medication.  Psychiatrist gave me a new med to try, but it gives me an unrelenting headache the next day, and it also causes weight gain, so I won’t use it anymore.  I’ve gone back to my previous sleep med, but it isn’t working.  It’s our lot in life. I purged twice today.  I can’t remember the last time I purged.  I’m not sure why I engaged in this behavior.  Maybe I know.  Maybe I don’t.  Who cares?  All I know is …

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Heroes needed. Apply here.

I’m decompensating.  I am fulfilling everything ever said about me.   In my internship as a 6th grade Language Arts teacher, my parts have been out and I’ve lost time.  My university supervisor has given me feedback regarding a comment he said I made to the students.  It was a very demeaning, destructive comment. I have no recollection of saying anything so hurtful to my students. He said, along with my cooperating teacher, that I can not handle stress, and I break down emotionally. I could have saved them the paperwork.  I already knew that. It’s a hopeless situation.  I don’t …

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Days like this I don’t know what to do with myself

I don’t know what to say. I hate feeling like this. I feel uninspired and rather ineffectual right now. The sad music plays and soothes my brain. I’m sorry, dear reader. I would rather post a positive blog, but I’m not so positive right now. I’m at Panera, as usual, but this time I’m writing from Tenneessee, where my in-laws live. It’s hard to have a good visit with them because I’m so far out of my f*cki*ng mind. I’m not okay and I don’t know how to get okay. I can’t wait to get back into town so I …

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