White Knuckles

White Knuckles 1

I am dissociative.  My brain is foggy, and I can’t think.  My head has a far-away ache.  There is chaos living inside that I cannot describe would I even be allowed. I’m a little bit hungry, but feeling empty is keeping me calm even though I’m coming off the rails and in over my head. […]

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Getting Schooled on my Failures

Today has been a difficult day for us.  In the region where we live, the students have already gone back to school, and all my teacher friends are posting their unabashed optimism and excitement for the new school year. I feel left out. I feel like a failure. I feel grossly incompetent. I still castigate […]

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Big Fat Lies

It’s been a few years since I’ve been on here.  Don’t really know what I’ve been up to except teaching high school and going off to treatment. Tonight I was looking at the very first entry in an incomplete journal book, beginning date of 10-15-2008.  I was in residential treatment at the time. There was […]

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Deja Vu Times Two

I wrote the piece below in April of 1995.  I am posting it today because it still defines my existence.  The writing is about how it is so hard to be hopeful because there is always something to strip me of that comfort. I concede today I choose to live my days clouded with negativity, […]

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Boom!

It’s not that easy.  It’s not that easy.  It’s not that easy. I will not make it this time.  I am burrowing a hole for myself, digging my own grave.  Only this time, people in my professional life are handing me the shovel and watching me sink.  I’ve discovered my problem . . . at […]

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