It’s been a few years since I’ve been on here.  Don’t really know what I’ve been up to except teaching high school and going off to treatment.

Tonight I was looking at the very first entry in an incomplete journal book, beginning date of 10-15-2008.  I was in residential treatment at the time.

There was a line written in that entry that I found poignant as I reviewed it.  It read: My eating disorder cares more about me than I do about myself.  

Nine years later, that’s probably still true.

On the opposite page of the journal entry, I was responding to the assigned question: If I can’t be the weight I want, then . . .

So last night I looked at the “what’s”, and here is what I discovered and evaluated to see if the fears I hd written have come true because currently, according to my treatment team, I’m at a healthy weight.

At first glance, I was surprised that it didn’t seem these fears had come true.  Then I thought and wrote more, and here’s what I found.

First fear: 


My first fear of not being anorexic is that I would gain too much weight and lose any self control.  I feel I definitely live in that fear and reality day and night.  We are in a dryer, spinning and tumbling around in our fear with no escape signs or promises of it ever stopping, not matter what weight we are.
Second fear:  The second fears is that if I gained the weight back I would be average, not special, droll, inferior.  Reality or fear?  REALITY.

Other fears that came true were not feeling that sense of emptiness and weightlessness you find when you are skinny.  *I should probably write more on why being empty in invisible is important.*

The fears that didn’t necessarily come true but at the same time did not go away are about people caring for me.  I don’t really feel cared for, but I can acknowledge that I have made some connections.  Whether they’d grieve if I’d die, I know not.

Another fear I can’t write about with authority is the fear that I’ll be dirty, fat, and shameful from the abuse. I don’t feel as . . . I don’t know.  Do I feel dirty since I gained all my weight back?  My first answer is no.  I am truly blank and non descriptive.  I don’t carry around any feelings, but others do, and they feel dirty and shameful, but I honestly don’t know if weighing 80lbs would put that feeling away.  I think it’s worse at being this size because some are more active, but we’ll always feel fat, dirty, and ashamed, regardless of our weight.