I guess it’s been a while since writing. Don’t know why. I do know that this weekend is reserved for studying for a major test on Monday, but we wanted to write anyway. You see, we have a problem. We aren’t getting better. Can’t find the voices that inspired us and motivated us to trudge on. Right now, and I can’ only Whiisper this, we are dying and they have stolen my thoughts for the rest. I had something else to say and my thoughts have been broken. like me.
There is no trust and they makes us permanently ruined. It was mentioned by the pscho-iatrist yesterday. We haven’t told Randy about our suicidal thoughts because we don’t trust him, and if we can’t trust him, what kind of therapuetic relationship can there be. and when we saw Randy yesterday, Lisa was shoved out because nobody wanted to talk. Lisa’s too shy and blinded by everything to talk. She was perfect. It wasn’t my choice, I only see the logic in it.
But I remember hearing Randy say something about it only being safe to write about issues and never discuss them in session. I have something to say about that. We get warmed up, usually, by writing. We rarely just come out with sensitive information unless we’ve been thinking about it already or writing about it. In a one hour time span, there is no time to develop a comfort and safety level to talk about anything. By the time we are warmed up, it seems like it’s time to leave, so we don’t even begin to say anything most of the time.
And damn right it’s easier to write about things. There only questions to answer are the ones we ask ourselves. In Randy’s office, when we talk, there are always questions, which can be a good thing, but sometimes we don’t talk because we know there will be questions we don’t have answers too and it doesn’t seem plausible that a member may know x but not know y. We feel in a Catch-22.
We are losing ground and some worry, literally, for our lives. The sadness is equating into an inability to study, poor school performance. And we are so close to finishing school that if something were to happen, there could be no recovery from “something.”
I only know we are in a downward spiral and stand to lose a lot. We aren’t eating enough, purged 3 times yesterday, way less than we did last year when we were hospitalized, and have some members delighting in the self-desturction, rolling around in the idea, sadistically feeling happpy and free at our demise. I feel them on me now; I feel their satisfaction at taking us down. But my tears are only because they aren’t really that mean and I understand it finally; they are just hurt. They hurt and so they hurt us. Still, improved knowledge doesn’t change their goal and a hug doesn’t change their purpose. It only makes them more determined to tear us down because if we are nice to them it only creates more distrust in them. They don’t trust us, we don’t trust Randy, nobody trusts anybody. (more flicks of the grandparents.)
Someone is hungry to see bones. feeling fat. dirty. worthless. unloved. uncared for. invisible. invisible. unimportant.
there is a deep dark hole inside me. no matter how empty or full it is, it always aches. it is a wound that doesn’t heal because nobody, especially her, never loved me. nobody never cared and i felt scared and alone. i had nobody. and so i wouldn’t eat to get her attention thinking she might care if i didn’t eat. she got angry and tried to force me to eat a hamburger. i hate her almost as much as i hate me. what is wrong with me that i can’t be loved. being hungry is a good feeling. i feel safe being hungry. i’m gettin upset.
There is a stillness inside now. and a coldness. the Music Maiden is playing “The Notebook” in her head. i am cold as a corpse. i fear for our lives. We have too much bumrushing us. I hear the music and it makes me sad. It’s just so sad what we’ve lost, what we’ve become, and what we’ll never be. It just makes me sad. Where and when will the spiral end?