for words. so here is an abbreviated version.
I took my “daughter” to school today. Came home. Didn’t feel like working out. I’m starting to get too fatigued for it. I slept until 3:30, when my husband came home. I watched POTC2 and drugged myself into oblivion. I spoke with someone on my treatment team who said I had left her a message; no memory of that. i told her how hopeless i felt. i’m scared of this hopelessness. it was the kind of depression and hopelessness and suicidal ideation that wound me in the hospital the first time. but i am ashamed of myself and that makes me all the more hopeless. from february to november i was in treatment. how could i still be suffering like this?
moving on…
Had dinner with husband tonight. purged it. no surprise. i feel gross and fat and dirty and scummy.
i go to the dr’s tomorrow to get an epidural for my herniated disc. i have to be there at 8:00 am. i hope it works this time. i am so tired of back pain. i’ve had it for ten years and multiple procedures.
i’m so tired of pain, period.
I’m so sorry you feel like this, it’s such a bad place you are in at the moment. It’s so hard to imagine recovery when you are all the way down there, but it is a possiblity for you. I really believe you can get through this, you’ve been through so much already it must be hard to keep going. But you must because there is a better life for you than this, and so much you have to look forward to. Make the tiny changes, don’t look too hard at the big picture. Change one small thing everytime you can, and once you get used to them, they really aren’t so scary. Pick one small rule and break it every week, and you can do this.
Stay Safe
Lola x