This is not been a good day. It’s consisted of one of four things: eating, purging, sleeping, or cutting. Maybe I should throw in crying and feeling gravely sad. I’ve tried to hold back on this blog as much as I could because I didn’t want readers to think all I did was whine or bitch and moan. I don’t care anymore. I really feel desperate and need to get back to what I was, a woman who didn’t abuse food, who was making progress with her trauma work, and didn’t feel sad all the time. I remember telling my T. at the res. tx. center it was the first time I had ever felt hope. How sad. 34 years of life and it’s the first time I’ve felt hope.
And here I am, not sure how to feel about myself because I want to die. I really want to die. Should I be mad at myself or should I have compassion. How should I feel?
I’m so empty. For the first time in the world I crave living, I crave trying to graduate school and not caring if I get an A or a B. But I’ve been dying inside and I don’t know how to iterate that to others that I’m not okay.
I feel that I don’t have the help I need. I have no nutritionist, a psycho-iatrist that doesn’t know two cents about me but prescribes heavy drugs, and a therapist that leaves at least me wondering if he knows how to handle the gaggle of us. I, Tina, feel we are lost and there is no hope for me, the littles, or the others.
Black Katherine- I told everyone this would happen. You can’t escape your destiny. And no matter how many times you hide in the FUCKING CLOSET!!!!! you will be found. Death is the only answer to our problems.
Victoria – Everyone is crying for help. Everyone feels lost and alone. No one can pull it together. And I’m flat. The turmoil has sucked my words and music from me. Angie and I are on a time schedule. We have school in August. We have to make sure everyone is functional so that we can attend.