The time since
March I spent away from the blog was generally a happy time.  I finished school, obtained a job, and have
spent the last four months enjoying my time at my work. 

Apart from work,
things are falling.  There are still
issues around intimacy I can not escape, and every time I go through these
issues I recreate the traumatizing experiences all over again.  And I’m to blame.  Tonight was no different.  And because of my self-inflicted actions
earlier, I have lost myself inside my mind. 
I can’t tell where I am and who is there.

During our last
session with Therapist there was something we wanted to say to him but the gatekeeper
was stationed and the thoughts couldn’t crawl around the wall.  I felt so frustrated and angry.  I didn’t know what the thought was but I knew
we needed some type of support from Therapist for which couldn’t be asked. 

Almost as soon as
we got to the car and it was safe, I realized what needed to be said.  The discussion in our session touched on
abuse and that’s when the feelings came up to say something to Therapist and
get support.  When we got to the car the
littles were upset and had said they wanted a hug from Therapist. 

I don’t know how I
feel about this.  Since we’ve been
discussing issues of intimacy, there has been more trust developing for
now.  And the adult in me thinks it is
brave that they would want a hug.  I
think they deserve a hug. 

The adult me also
thinks it might be precarious and bad boundaries to ask for a hug.  What would he think?  Would we regret it?  I believe and hope the littles would feel
safe and receive the support needed.  Therapist
is the only that believes them and I fear they might look to him like a
father-figure.

I am sure there is
a nice, tidy, demeaning psychological label such as transference to explain what
is happening.  I loathe the idea that our
feelings our reduced to psychological jargon.

I have compassion
for the littles and will do everything ever possible to keep them safe and
sound.

 I close this with the feeling once again that feel so much more, but said a lot of nothing.

I think I’m just dead.