Uncategorized

LIVING A MYSTERY

Maybelline snuggling up with my bear on a road trip.   Worth Wondering. WHO’S ON FIRST? So my session with Therapist was interesting yesterday.  At one point he mentioned an alter, Tina, but she was already and participating in the session, but he didn’t know it.  And I’m like, “Dude, don’t you know after all these years who you talkin’ to?”  Made me lose confidence that he really knows who we are and aren’t.  Does he not know us by now?  You can’t tell I’m in the room?  I HATE being talked about in 3rd person. JOB TALK We discussed things …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

GETTING BETTER: THE CONUDRUM

Maybelline learning to solve a puzzle for her treats. Pieces Taken from Wednesday’s Journal Entry Guess I’ve occupied myself well enough today.  Most of the depression lingering in my soul is dissipating.  Did some cleaning today and cooking.  Breaded pork loin chops, sauteed cabbage, and mashed potatoes were made.  Wasn’t too bad.  Better than the pigs in a blanket I failed at making yesterday.   I’m listening to the same song on repeat called “Good Enough” by Sarah McLachlan, and she has two lines in it that hit me right in the heart.  She sings, “And I don’t understand; you …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

THE COUP: ILLEGAL SEIZURE OF POWER

Maybelline sound asleep.  She loves her crate.  Makes her feel safe and secure. I don’t know if I can write this post.  I feel extremely dissociative at this very moment despite taking my medication. I don’t know why it’s important to write this, but last night’s experience was so bizarre, disruptive, and disturbing that I need to make sense of it.   Last night wreaked havoc on me, and I’m not sure I can adequately give voice to it.   I think something was triggered in our session with Therapist yesterday.  We came home, journaled, and then went to our …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Safety is as Stupid Does

Maybelline taking a long nap after a walk. I feel uneasy and unsettled, and a lot has to do with our session with Therapist.  The clock revealed only 30 minutes had elapsed, so I must have lost time in there.  I remember talking about Husband’s violent behavior and about how others cope who don’t cut, which I find interesting because the cutting isn’t what Therapist should be worried about.  Burning and my restrictive thoughts and behaviors should concern him more.  But with satisfaction I digress.   Always looking for safe places. So I’m supposed to blog about what would make …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Writing, Therapy, and Flashbacks

I don’t feel like conspiring to write brilliantly.  I don’t want to care that the creativity has gone out of me like a candle in the wind.  I think I shall never write again because we are not in the blackouts of depression, despair, or constant self-damnation to write from the heart and soul again. There’s a website I’m linking here called Writing Forward that has creative writing prompts, but I haven’t been doing them.  Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because there’s no audience to which to write, maybe the prompts just don’t speak to me like writing about the …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Great Unrealistic Expectations

My dog Maybelline is stressing me.  She wants to go on a walk, and I just don’t have it in me to get off this couch, which makes me feel like a terrible pet partner. Taken from today’s journal: Been a busy day.  Service, errands, back pain.  The works.  I wish I could take a muscle relaxer right now, but I’m supposed to take Mabes for walk, and I can’t do that if I’m asleep. Times and days are running together.  I find no support anywhere.  I was doing fine until Husband came home.  I was busy packing for our …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Protecting the Protector

I want to write, and I want to call out Sheila to discuss without emotion and bias what is happening regarding Tina, particularly and her denial of D.I.D. I’ll address my surmise of how Tina feels currently.  She wants to push the agenda that there is no dissociation because she feels out of the loop.  When was the last time she really had to defend and protect us?  Okay.  Besides the handshake incident.  Other than that, not too recently. I predict her services will be needed again, but she’s not used to being in the silent role.  She’s used to …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Conversations with my imagination

Saw Therapist again.  It was another wasted session where I refuted that I dissociate or have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.  To complicate matters more for me, he never came out and said, “Yes, you do have D.I.D.” which gives me cause for hope and despair.  If we don’t have D.I.D., then what is wrong with me?  I had a happy childhood.  Most of my memories growing up are good, though there are always some you wish you could leave behind and forget.  So now we are floating all adrift, don’t know where we’re going, how to get there, …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Not As We

Nobody lives here anymore. Poke and stir the ashes of yesterday’s consumption, you will not find me . . . and they have been missing for a while. There were signs it was happening. My soul became painfully still and quiet. I couldn’t locate myself in the expanding vacuum. I fell . . . lost with no identity, no way to get home. Voices often went missing in silence. Regardless of frantic searches, they were never recovered. Without their presence, I was perpetually absent. I did not realize how much I needed them until they were gone, and my fading …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Just another label

The time since March I spent away from the blog was generally a happy time.  I finished school, obtained a job, and have spent the last four months enjoying my time at my work.  Apart from work, things are falling.  There are still issues around intimacy I can not escape, and every time I go through these issues I recreate the traumatizing experiences all over again.  And I’m to blame.  Tonight was no different.  And because of my self-inflicted actions earlier, I have lost myself inside my mind.  I can’t tell where I am and who is there. During our …

Continue Reading