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Surrender

My words fail me,
like every other part of me does.
I wish I could,
but I can not. 
 I want to quit, cease to
exist, give up, but there is something in me that makes me keep going, 
No matter how low
I go, I can not let go. 
I wish this part
of me to die.  I would like to enjoy
giving up.
All arrows point
to how worthless I am.  Clearly there is something
in me missing, something deficient.  It’s
hard to live always sub-standard.  
Others can
accomplish what I can not.  And all I
want to do is let go.
Maybe one day I
will show them.  Maybe I will not be as
strong as they assume.  Maybe I will
break instead of constantly bending.  I’m
certainly due.
I’m so tired at
every turn.  Exhausted.
I can not imagine
how this will be worth it.  
I can not imagine
anything other than letting go. 
I can not imagine
any other way out.
They will treat
this, I know, as a fever in my head, coming and going, but it is not.
And I know they’ll
never know, and that is the saddest thing to ever know.   
But I know, and that’s all I need to know.

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