On the personal

Dear us, We Need to Talk

Dear Us, We need to talk.  I don’t know exactly how to start this conversation, but let me first say that I’m sorry I have not been your friend for ages and beyond. We learned early what it was like to be neglected and abused, and I didn’t know what to do with that, so I took it out on you.  To be honest, I still don’t know what to do with it all, and I know I’m still punishing you for things that were beyond your control.   An aggregation of labels binds us together and places us under …

Continue Reading
Music Monday

Music Monday – Make Yourself “Invincible”

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Invincible: Unbeatable.  Indestructible.  Powerful.  Strong.  The former words can all used to describe Music Monday’s empowering anthem by Pat Benetar called “Invincible.”  Benetar sings the personal and authoritative fight song that will make you rise to your feet, sing out loud, and fire you up to beating the monsters that trouble you.   Benetar recorded “Invincible” in 1985, so it is a little dusty, but the take-no-prisoners lyrics completely address what many of us are going through.  Benetar said this was her favorite song out of all her catalogue, and it’s no surprise.  It’s about the …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Wednesday Wisdom – DO YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE YOUR STORY? Vol 2

POWER Do you have power? What is it? How do you get it? What do you do with it? Power: The ability to do or act in a particular way to direct or influence others’ behaviors.  I know in the mental health community, my experiences with power are not dissimilar to others. When I think of power, I am reminded how little power or control it seemed I’ve had over my life, particularly as a child.  Growing up, Birth Mother was more of a “my way or the highway”  type mom.  To say she was controlling and unyielding in her …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

BROKEN, BEATEN, AND BULLIED

I can count on it.  I depend on it.  And it never lets me down.  The nighttime, from 6-10, is the graveyard where my pretenses  go to die.    It’s kind of good in a way . . . to feel this despair, I mean.  Before I would try to steel myself against the pain, but now innocent tears plunge down well worn pathways, and my resolve is lost.  I become that bullied child again.   I often think I should just get over it.  They were just kids, weren’t they?  Did they know better?  Does it matter? Ask my …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC MONDAY!! POST 1

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Maybelline hogging my heated plush throw.  Silly girl.   Are you ready for some inspiration? Welcome to the first Music Monday!  As I wrote in my last post found here,  I have dedicated Monday to music.  For today’s Music Monday, I have 3 incredible songs that I hope will inspire you to keep working and  fighting in your recovery.  I’ve scoured songs from multi-genres and discovered music that I trust will speak to the feelings and thoughts of  men and women dealing with the scourge of mental illness.  Some of the songs you may like, some …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

THE COUP: ILLEGAL SEIZURE OF POWER

Maybelline sound asleep.  She loves her crate.  Makes her feel safe and secure. I don’t know if I can write this post.  I feel extremely dissociative at this very moment despite taking my medication. I don’t know why it’s important to write this, but last night’s experience was so bizarre, disruptive, and disturbing that I need to make sense of it.   Last night wreaked havoc on me, and I’m not sure I can adequately give voice to it.   I think something was triggered in our session with Therapist yesterday.  We came home, journaled, and then went to our …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Safety is as Stupid Does

Maybelline taking a long nap after a walk. I feel uneasy and unsettled, and a lot has to do with our session with Therapist.  The clock revealed only 30 minutes had elapsed, so I must have lost time in there.  I remember talking about Husband’s violent behavior and about how others cope who don’t cut, which I find interesting because the cutting isn’t what Therapist should be worried about.  Burning and my restrictive thoughts and behaviors should concern him more.  But with satisfaction I digress.   Always looking for safe places. So I’m supposed to blog about what would make …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Dear Me, I Hate You

These are things difficult to discuss because I’m afraid it will be thought I’m only seeking attention.  So when I say I don’t want to talk about it, we really might need to discuss it but are afraid of people being overly concerned or or just not caring.  There is no easy way, and we don’t know how to do “this” because “this” isn’t a goddamn thing. And tired of your pretending to care. It’s all bullshit.  I’m against this post.  Never works.  Never.

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Am I Reality? and What Not to Disclose to Your Therapist!

An amalgam of three days of journal writing Our purpose here is to figure out two things:  1) how to nurture our angry protector Tina 2) Therapist mentioned that we need acceptance.  Figure out what he meant by acceptance.  Accept what? I don’t know what he meant by acceptance.  All I want to do is ask him to see us twice a week.  Would that be nurturing enough for Tina to see the only person she even semi-trusts for two hours a week?  Therapist would say no and charge us with finding other people we can trust, and then that …

Continue Reading