Uncategorized

Both Roads Taken

Another sleepless night so far.  The anxiety has mostly lessened since my previous post,  but the sleepless nights continue despite medication.  Psychiatrist gave me a new med to try, but it gives me an unrelenting headache the next day, and it also causes weight gain, so I won’t use it anymore.  I’ve gone back to my previous sleep med, but it isn’t working.  It’s our lot in life. I purged twice today.  I can’t remember the last time I purged.  I’m not sure why I engaged in this behavior.  Maybe I know.  Maybe I don’t.  Who cares?  All I know is …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

A curvy woman

The drama of this past weekend has subsided a little. I met with Dietician today and explained to her how I felt I couldn’t trust her because she was making me fat. When she weighed me, my weight had maintained over the past month, so she may not be making me as fat as I feel she is. An area we talked about was the subject of curves on a woman. I said to her I felt I was gaining weight primarily in my hips and thighs and she asked me what was wrong with having curves. When she asked …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Oops! I did it again…(Trigger Warning for ED talk)

Oops…I did it again. I binged and purged today. I won’t lie; I felt better afterward. All my anxiety had been lifted, and I felt clean. It all started this morning when I went shopping for a swimsuit and a dress. I took six dresses, 3 swimsuits, and what little self-esteem I had into the dressing room. I thought there was a conspiracy with the dresses to accentuate every ounce of fat on me. The swimsuits were even more malicious. Nothing fit like I thought it would. And I then I realized why; I was used to seeing myself with …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

The Reveal

Today Husband, my daughter, her brother, and I went to a water park, which meant bathing suit time, which meant The Reveal.Breakfast this morning was different. I’ve heard good things about steel cut oats so I decided to try them. I like the oats themselves. They are chewy and a bit grainy. I didn’t like the toppings I threw in, such as the soy milk. However, oats and almond butter is always an exceptional choice together. I felt incredibly self-conscious. I could feel everyone’s eyes boring into me, passing judgment on my hideous form. Still, I tried not to care. …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Here’s your sign

It happened again. Oh yes, it did! Let me set the scene for you. So I’ve had a pain in my back for 10.5, and, no, it’s not my husband. I have a herniated disc, L5 S1. So I get epidurals (ouch is right!) every six months or so. Well today I went to my epidural and I haven’t seen this doctor since last year and the first thing he says is, “You’ve gained a few pounds.” WTF? Do I have a sign on me that reads, “Please call me fat”? Does it read “I already have poor body image, …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Make way! New thoughts coming through

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how much do I want to get better. I’ve been feeling that as much time as we’ve put in therapy we should be further along in the process than we are now. I’ve done fairly well at stopping some of those self-destructive behaviors that used to plague my existence. However, the eating disorder is what gets me stuck in time. I don’t understand how I could still be struggling with those behaviors based on how much inpatient, residential, and outpatient treatment we’ve had. But I’ve realized that one of the reasons …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Sigh and sigh alone

Potential triggers: Read with caution. I hadn’t planned on posting today, but the urge hit me, so here we are. I’m exhausted physically and mentally. Still in PHP. I sigh because things aren’t going the way I want for my recovery. We’ve been doing well up till now when we are starting to be non-compliant. It’s baffling, but so is my eating disorder. We were 100% compliant with the meal plan while in-patient; now that we are responsible for evening snack and breakfast we can’t seem to get “it” together. Having poor body image sucks. I know others can relate. …

Continue Reading