Another sleepless night so far. The anxiety has mostly lessened since my previous post, but the sleepless nights continue despite medication. Psychiatrist gave me a new med to try, but it gives me an unrelenting headache the next day, and it also causes weight gain, so I won’t use it anymore. I’ve gone back to my previous sleep med, but it isn’t working. It’s our lot in life.
I purged twice today. I can’t remember the last time I purged. I’m not sure why I engaged in this behavior. Maybe I know. Maybe I don’t. Who cares? All I know is I think about food constantly. Continually. Non stop. Without letup. And it is ENOUGH!!
When is the next time I can eat? What will I eat? How many calories will it have? How will it taste? What will Husband think if he sees me eat? How can I hide it? Now that I’ve eaten, when is the next time I can eat?
OR THESE THOUGHTS
How can I refrain from eating? What activity can I do next time I’m hungry instead of eating? How will I feel? What will I do if I eat anyway? How many squats do I need to do to burn off the calories? How many calories am I NOT burning by sitting on the couch? What can I do to jumpstart my weight loss?
The list of questions go on and on and on.
One of us mentioned before how the eating disorder is a safety net, a way to get out of being an adult, and/or taking responsibility, a way to keep us child-like, but it is so much more.
Put the ED behaviors aside, the eating disorder and body image thoughts themselves can not be curbed. They are incessant and do not exist as a safety net. They do not protect; they do not shelter; they do not comfort.
They plague us. They are compulsive, urgent, and overwhelming, and I do not know how to break them. I am threatened by their existence. We are at their mercy, and I can not be responsible for their actions.
Bottom line is we are out of control from both sides. And while the eating disorder in and of itself may be insurance, the thoughts are not. They are menacing and commence our feelings and behaviors.
We are reminded of the end of a poem written by Robert Frost entitled “The Road Not Taken.”
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