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White Knuckles

I am dissociative.  My brain is foggy, and I can’t think.  My head has a far-away ache.  There is chaos living inside that I cannot describe would I even be allowed. I’m a little bit hungry, but feeling empty is keeping me calm even though I’m coming off the rails and in over my head. There is so much to say, but I don’t know what it is.  The tears are scurrying behind my eyes and the rallying cry to keep “it” away from me is called.  I have not enough focus for this post.  I am zigzagging like a …

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Missing In Action

I know I’ve been gone for a while. Things have not been okay but I will spare you the spilt milk and the sob sorry. I was released from the partial hospiltization back in May, I think. My intentions were/are to get a job and go back to school. I couldn’t cope with applying for a job. I know that sounds silly, but for someone with D.I.D, dates and time spans are foreign concepts. So, applying for jobs was hard. It was hard to fill in the data such as when I had worked prior, whered the job was located, …

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Deserve self-worth?

Self-worth is in short supply these days. Actually, all my life there’s been no supply of self worth or self-esteem. At the Emotions Anonymous meeting on Wednesday the topic was how we treat our bodies. When it was my turn to speak I had no shortage of words; forever I’ve been abusing my body, following the tradition of what my perpetrators did to me. I continue to cut, burn, starve, binge, purge, etc. Indulge me here for a minute. I’m getting to a point: I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to take care of …

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Too fat to die

I need help stopping my downward spiral. I know of at least one alter that is suicidal; some are apathetic, and others don’t want to die this fat. The last statement is really silly, I know. But that is how this mind works. I cancelled my therapy appointment today because I didn’t feel pretty enough to put on my nice dresses, which, incidentally, make me feel more attractive and like I want to wear my maxi dresses. I’ve had a hysterectomy and I have no idea where I am on the cycle (they left my ovaries), but I think I’m …

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Friendship for sale

Here I am at Panera Bread Co. I’ve just finished my therapy session and I’m waiting for my movie to start. I’m going to the dollar theater to see Gran Torino. I’m just trying to add structure to my day. Depression has a ravenous hold on me, chomping away at me. This is such an effort. Also a torture. All I want to do is find the safety of my living room couch. The bed in and of itself is unsafe. Panera Bread Co. is packed. I peek out over the top of my screen and see tables filled with …

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Cooking up a big pot of amnesia..

I’m a little bit unsettled after seeing the movie Bride Wars. It wasn’t the movie itself that bothered me; it was that D. insisted I had taken our god-daughters already to see the movie. I went over it back and forth in my mind and felt adamant that I hadn’t seen the movie. Even as the movie was being played I tried to see if I could remember a scene here or a scene there. After the movie I phoned my god-daughters to see if they could remember seeing the movie. C. gave me a play by play of the …

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Sigh and sigh alone

Potential triggers: Read with caution. I hadn’t planned on posting today, but the urge hit me, so here we are. I’m exhausted physically and mentally. Still in PHP. I sigh because things aren’t going the way I want for my recovery. We’ve been doing well up till now when we are starting to be non-compliant. It’s baffling, but so is my eating disorder. We were 100% compliant with the meal plan while in-patient; now that we are responsible for evening snack and breakfast we can’t seem to get “it” together. Having poor body image sucks. I know others can relate. …

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burn BEFORE reading

i beg of you not to read this post. it’s like the children’s book about Grover and a monster at the end of the book. Don’t be engage in self-harm behavior by reading a post that is nothing short of dull, obtuse, unimportant ramblings. I warned you. 🙂 i don’t know who I am right now. Seriously. My hands feel real. I feel attached. But I also feel really blank, unaware. But I also feel something like a secondary emotion; the emotion is fear and it’s not mine but is being filtered through me. I don’t feel safe inside my …

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Living and dying in 2 different worlds

The moonlight offers her condolences on such a dark night. How did she know? Why don’t more people know? If they did, would it matter? I haven’t posted lately for a couple of reasons. One, I’m tired of hearind my own complaining, whiny voice and the voices of others. Secondly, I havn’t been around for portions of the last few days. I believe it was yesterday that I “came to” purging what I assume was dinner. I went away again and “came to” this morning, not feeling great, but not feeling as depressed as I had previously. I even decided …

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