On the personal

She’s Only Twelve Years Old

I feel like I’m 12.  Sad, sorry age to feel . . . .all empty, lonely, desperate not to go home.  Becky, my birth mother, has come to pick me up at Michelle’s house.  I spent the last night or two at her house.  Now it’s time to go home, and I’m on Michelle’s house steps  crying because I feel so lost.   I’m 12 years old again.  Except my home is different, and I’m supposed to be much older.  But tonight I am her.  Empty. Loney.  Desperate.   Tonight I came home from traveling 300 miles to my in-laws, …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

It’s all over but the crying

I have told him I want a separation.  I’ve moved into the guest bedroom.  Every step I take away from him he is a bewildered little boy, not understanding how this could happen to him.  Whatever he’s wondering, it’s been happening a year and a half.  I feel I’ve told him every step of the way what his behavior would lead to.  But inevitably, according to him, it’s my entire fault.   He says my internal system doesn’t communicate well enough.  (Well, god damn, why didn’t he just say so and I would have fixed it already!) He says he only …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

The definition of “Help me”

It’s so hard to get these posts started. I just don’t know where to begin. I feel everything and I feel nothing. I am angry but I’m calm. I’m sad but have no tears to show for it. Then there’s the nothingness lulling me with her sweet numbness. I think I’ll take her side. I don’t know what’s really wrong with me. Maybe it’s the fact I put my husband in a psych ward yesterday. Maybe it’s because it brings up my own terror images of being locked away. Maybe it’s because the last thing husband said to me was …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Relationships

I’ve been mulling this topic over since the weekend and have been trying to figure out how to write a sanitized version of what took place.One of the many things we’ve learned with D.I.D. is just how hard relationships are to maintain. I’ve been married over ten years. In fact, Valentine’s Day marks 10 1/2 years of marriage. That’s an accomplishment for someone who doesn’t have to deal with dissociation, so for someone like us with D.I.D., it’s almost impossible. We’ve heard of many marriages busting over the difficulty dealing with a spouse who is dissociative. Husband and I have …

Continue Reading