I’ve been mulling this topic over since the weekend and have been trying to figure out how to write a sanitized version of what took place.
One of the many things we’ve learned with D.I.D. is just how hard relationships are to maintain.
I’ve been married over ten years. In fact, Valentine’s Day marks 10 1/2 years of marriage. That’s an accomplishment for someone who doesn’t have to deal with dissociation, so for someone like us with D.I.D., it’s almost impossible. We’ve heard of many marriages busting over the difficulty dealing with a spouse who is dissociative.
Husband and I have had our ups and downs. One thing we’ve always agreed on is “I do” has meant “I do” and neither of us have looked to abandon the other to divorce when we weren’t getting along.
However, time seems to be molding us into a couple that just puts up with one another. I feel sorry for Husband. I know it’s not easy living with someone with D.I.D.; Lord knows he tells me that all the time. Well, not all the time, but he’s said it on more than one occasion. He tells me he doesn’t always know how to act around us, that we give off mixed signals, that we’ve changed since marrying us.
Changed is an understatement. In all fairness, when we married, we hadn’t accepted the diagnoses of D.I.D., and so didn’t tell Husband. It wasn’t until later in the marriage that we couldn’t deny the symptoms anymore and things started falling apart. But Husband is right; we have changed. When we married we didn’t have pink hair, nose piercings, and tattoos. How he HATES the tattoos!!!
I think he could live with all that but there is an area of our marriage that is under fire and he doesn’t know how to deal with it; I don’t either, for that matter. You see, we aren’t as close in the Biblical sense as we used to be, if you know what I mean. In the beginning of our marriage, we as a system used to engage in “the act” because we didn’t respect ourselves, so it didn’t matter if “the act” hurt us or not. Now that we’re trying to heal, that area of our lives is off limits to him until we get some healthier views toward s*xual relations. So, basically, Husband is having to go without and he doesn’t know how to deal with it and that makes me feel guilty for depriving him. As a result, Husband and I have lost a sense of emotional closeness that gets fed by being physically close and that breaks my heart. Still, we as members can’t give in until we have healed more, otherwise it would be too damaging.
So over the weekend Husband and I were arguing over the lack of closeness and if we would ever resume a physical relationship again. He feels it’s hopeless. I have no answers for him. For me, it’s just another brick in the wall; another hurdle that needs to be overcome before we can ever come close to “normal.”
And that’s all I have to say about that.