On the personal

If You Really Knew Me, Then You Would Know . . .

As I sat down to write this blog post, it was initially on a different topic.  I’m not narcissistic enough to think people want to 40 things about me, but I’m feeling a little introspective, so I wanted to share some things I am thinking.   I thought a post on things you do not know about me might be helpful, and you might even be able to connect and relate to what I feel or have experienced.    Let me tell you first that I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.  I’M …

Continue Reading
On the personal

The Hostage

“The Hostage” was originally posted 1-1-2013 A poem regarding a night of anxiety in my head with Dissociative Identity Disorder. ________________________________________________________________________ The Hostage Slowly the evening falls upon me. The possibility of peace is shattered into a fairy tale as the night struggles and collapses into the blackest hole. With her naked eye the moon stalks me into hiding. No light is spared. I hear the footsteps of my thoughts scatter inside my mind, running rampant, tunneling through the darkness until I’m found crouched in fear. A tightly woven web of chaos is assembled around me. Motionless, I sit under the glare of tyranny. With unbridled abandon they advance upon me: …

Continue Reading
On the personal

She’s Only Twelve Years Old

I feel like I’m 12.  Sad, sorry age to feel . . . .all empty, lonely, desperate not to go home.  Becky, my birth mother, has come to pick me up at Michelle’s house.  I spent the last night or two at her house.  Now it’s time to go home, and I’m on Michelle’s house steps  crying because I feel so lost.   I’m 12 years old again.  Except my home is different, and I’m supposed to be much older.  But tonight I am her.  Empty. Loney.  Desperate.   Tonight I came home from traveling 300 miles to my in-laws, …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Friday Feelings – SELF-CARE AND THE HOLIDAYS

Maybelline says, “This road trip is making me tired.  I’ll just steal Becca’s pillow.” I’d love to hear from you? Is self-care difficult for you? Do you do anything special this time of year to help you cope? I’m too busy; I don’t want to inconvenience anybody; There just aren’t enough hours in the day; My family will hate me; I don’t want to be selfish; Others need me more; My boss expects more of me this time of year. Have you said those words or others regarding practicing self-care?  The list of reasons not to take care of ourselves …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

FRIDAY FEELINGS – THE BASICS OF SELF CARE – VOL 1

Never really engaging in self-care, I had no idea what to expect, write, or suggest about it. I’ve been to enough treatment facilities that encouraged self-care, but I always believed I didn’t deserve it, so I wouldn’t even try. But learning that self-care lowers stress levels, helps maintain focus on recovery, and helps boost personal happiness, I knew that whether I believed I deserved self-care or not, I was going to “fake it till I make it”; I was going to act like I deserved it. But where to begin? First, the website Psych Central defines self care as “any …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

BROKEN, BEATEN, AND BULLIED

I can count on it.  I depend on it.  And it never lets me down.  The nighttime, from 6-10, is the graveyard where my pretenses  go to die.    It’s kind of good in a way . . . to feel this despair, I mean.  Before I would try to steel myself against the pain, but now innocent tears plunge down well worn pathways, and my resolve is lost.  I become that bullied child again.   I often think I should just get over it.  They were just kids, weren’t they?  Did they know better?  Does it matter? Ask my …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

I don’t feel well.  I have been dissociative, spacey, and dizzy all evening.  There’s a sense of urgency to write, and I can’t escape it.  I must, I must, I must eject what’s in this crazy, demanding  head. I was anxious this morning, but I knew I would be taking my dog Maybelline for a walk and that would help dissipate some anxiety, and it did.  After our walk, my anxiety lessened until this evening. But this evening the anxiety shot back up, and the dissociation made it impossible to think and speak clearly.  I’ve had some things on my …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Anxiety’s Amusement

Once upon a time there was a paradox called Missing in Sight whose anxiety was so rampant and uncontrolled that ten minutes after waking on Saturday morning,  she took her usual cocktail of a Clonazepam and a muscle relaxer to chase the anxiety away.  Meanwhile, she felt she was going insane.  She would hit her head with her hand repeatedly to chase away the crazies.  When that didn’t work, the wall took the brunt of her head. Soon her medicine assumed her, and she went to sleep for about an hour.  When she woke, the same anxiety was expectantly waiting …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Time’s Confessions

The thick, heavy hours creep behind me, lethargically following me into my personal hell. Life slows down and elongates itself into eternity. Time spawns replicas of itself, burgeoning forth as every instant feels like infinity. Each second hurls itself at me, expectantly waiting for me to placate the duration with purpose. But I am trapped in the confessions of my head. Anxiety spectacularly begins to surface. Panic reproduces itself. Each moment breeds another moment, another opportunity to surfeit upon the frenzy of disquieting thoughts in the indiscernible distance. The battle continues. My thoughts stage a hostile takeover, targeting my unwillingness to listen. Against my …

Continue Reading