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If the Truth Were Told

I even said a prayer before my session with Therapist today and asked God that I not be so guarded and to help me be open to change.  But what transpired between me and Therapist was more than I bargained for, and I deeply regret it. As I remember it, the discussion centered around purging and how I think eating makes me a whore.  I didn’t understand these feelings, so he asked something around the idea of did I want to know why there might be the association of food being dirty and how eating makes me a whore. Here’s …

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Both Roads Taken

Another sleepless night so far.  The anxiety has mostly lessened since my previous post,  but the sleepless nights continue despite medication.  Psychiatrist gave me a new med to try, but it gives me an unrelenting headache the next day, and it also causes weight gain, so I won’t use it anymore.  I’ve gone back to my previous sleep med, but it isn’t working.  It’s our lot in life. I purged twice today.  I can’t remember the last time I purged.  I’m not sure why I engaged in this behavior.  Maybe I know.  Maybe I don’t.  Who cares?  All I know is …

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Hunger games

Read the Hunger Games series? It’s pretty good, though has nothing to do with eating disorders like I thought it did. I hear the clock in my living room ticking and tocking. The ticks remind me it’s dinner time, as if I needed the reminder. I don’t. I’m painfully aware that it’s time to eat. My stomach rumbles. Something inside of me smiles at the emptiness, at the depletion. Hunger is a comfort. Hunger is safe. I’m probably using this blog posting as a stalling technique. “Can’t eat now. I need to finish my post, get out my feelings” I …

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Trouble Ahead

The content of this post is frightening me. Rereading it, I can’t believe I’m going to hit the “publish” button. It serves to show how desperate I am. This is the only place I have to turn to right now. I have no friends to talk to. No therapist to listen to me. I knew I was in trouble earlier. I wanted to binge and purge. I don’t know why. I had been dreaming of it ever since last night. I managed to stave it off last night but this morning I was unaccountably anxious, so I took two of …

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Oops! I did it again…(Trigger Warning for ED talk)

Oops…I did it again. I binged and purged today. I won’t lie; I felt better afterward. All my anxiety had been lifted, and I felt clean. It all started this morning when I went shopping for a swimsuit and a dress. I took six dresses, 3 swimsuits, and what little self-esteem I had into the dressing room. I thought there was a conspiracy with the dresses to accentuate every ounce of fat on me. The swimsuits were even more malicious. Nothing fit like I thought it would. And I then I realized why; I was used to seeing myself with …

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I’ve still got it, but I don’t want it. I purged tonight, and it was easy. Too easy. The last couple of times I purged it was difficult. I had to use all the little tricks I’ve learned along the way to make my food come up. It left my throat raw and my stomach burning and sensitive. This time I purged effortlessly. In fact, the food came up on its own, just like in the good ole’ days when I was purging daily. I know I sound like I’m proud but really I’m not. I’m finding my behaviors very …

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Friendship for sale

Here I am at Panera Bread Co. I’ve just finished my therapy session and I’m waiting for my movie to start. I’m going to the dollar theater to see Gran Torino. I’m just trying to add structure to my day. Depression has a ravenous hold on me, chomping away at me. This is such an effort. Also a torture. All I want to do is find the safety of my living room couch. The bed in and of itself is unsafe. Panera Bread Co. is packed. I peek out over the top of my screen and see tables filled with …

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Welcome to the party

I had decided not to write, and the words just weren’t in me. But I can not be silent for my own sake. My heart hurts. My soul aches and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I’m stressed beyond tolerance; I’m broken down inside. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve been reduced from the full day program to the half day program and I am scared out of my mind. What will happen if I’m only half present? What will I do when the craving to binge and purge is beyond my ability to …

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Better than a Klonipin

I did it. I’m not proud. I can’t be left alone. I need a crazy-sitter. Yes, I binged and purged tonight. I was afraid it would happen, and it did. I should feel more ashamed of what I did, but to be honest, purging made me feel better than taking a Klonipin. Tonight is the first time I’ve been alone, and I knew when I kissed my husband goodbye that I might fall prey to ED. He had been circling above me all day, waiting to pounce on me, knowing he could tear in to me when I was alone. …

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2 days into the New Year! &^*%#

I was just catching up and reading everyone’s blogs and posts for the New Year. Impressive. In comparison to others, I find myself alone because I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to look at the year 2008. Maybe that’s my problem, besides always comparing myself to others. Without retrospection there can be no introspection. Nevertheless,I spent New Year’s Eve at an American football game, trying to cheer my college team on and it didn’t work. They were dominated by the opposing team. My husband and I left at half-time, which is something he NEVER does. He says …

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