On the personal

How Lack of Self-Care Might Lead to Depression

Depression.  Sometimes it happens.  I don’t know why, or maybe I do and don’t give it enough credit.  Either way, I am writing at this moment to shake off the desire to self-harm.  The urge only began a little while ago, but my mood has been unstable all day.  If you caught me on Twitter @missinginsight earlier, I posted the following picture. And this is exactly how I felt.  All within two hours, I went from happy to anxious to depressed.  There was no warning, no thought, no memory, and no feeling to prompt the mood changes.  They just happened. …

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Wednesday Wisdom

How to Talk to Others About Mental Illness Now

I was sitting in my chair, trying to silence my snowballing anxiety, but you know how that goes. I was naseuous, dizzy, constantly rubbing my head and face, beating my skull against the chair, not able to speak with clarity, ect., very noticable symptoms. My sister-in-law just looked at me, then looked away. I felt judged, ignored, and crazy, for a lack of a better word. I would have preferred she had asked me what was happening with me, or how she could help me, at least acknowledge I was going through a rough time, struggling with my mental illness, …

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LIVING A MYSTERY

Maybelline snuggling up with my bear on a road trip.   Worth Wondering. WHO’S ON FIRST? So my session with Therapist was interesting yesterday.  At one point he mentioned an alter, Tina, but she was already and participating in the session, but he didn’t know it.  And I’m like, “Dude, don’t you know after all these years who you talkin’ to?”  Made me lose confidence that he really knows who we are and aren’t.  Does he not know us by now?  You can’t tell I’m in the room?  I HATE being talked about in 3rd person. JOB TALK We discussed things …

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Safety is as Stupid Does

Maybelline taking a long nap after a walk. I feel uneasy and unsettled, and a lot has to do with our session with Therapist.  The clock revealed only 30 minutes had elapsed, so I must have lost time in there.  I remember talking about Husband’s violent behavior and about how others cope who don’t cut, which I find interesting because the cutting isn’t what Therapist should be worried about.  Burning and my restrictive thoughts and behaviors should concern him more.  But with satisfaction I digress.   Always looking for safe places. So I’m supposed to blog about what would make …

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AGE IS NOTHIN’ BUT A NUMBER

Mom, I’m out of peanut butter! I’m not a happy camper.  Plenty of reasons why.  I burned myself yesterday.  It’s only a bummer because it doesn’t hurt today.  I know what will. We sent a scathing email to Therapist last night.  I’d be nonplussed  if he didn’t tell me not to come back.  But he deserved it.  He thinks I’m too mature, which means too old, to self-harm.  Probs buys into the idea it’s a young person’s disease. Maybe I am too old to engage in such behaviors, but then why do I want to do it so bad?  Why …

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Good Enough

I’m in a bit of a slump right now. I haven’t written much lately because I haven’t been in a good place. I’ve been feeling down about myself. I’ve been feeling insufficient. This spring, Husband and I purchased season passes from Water Park and thought a splash of the water, a ray of the sun, the chimes of laughter would do well to get rid of the winter blues and help us relax a bit. But for me, relaxation hasn’t been the story. At Water Park, I’m dangerously playing the comparison game, and I always end up the loser. I …

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The Reveal

Today Husband, my daughter, her brother, and I went to a water park, which meant bathing suit time, which meant The Reveal.Breakfast this morning was different. I’ve heard good things about steel cut oats so I decided to try them. I like the oats themselves. They are chewy and a bit grainy. I didn’t like the toppings I threw in, such as the soy milk. However, oats and almond butter is always an exceptional choice together. I felt incredibly self-conscious. I could feel everyone’s eyes boring into me, passing judgment on my hideous form. Still, I tried not to care. …

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Make way! New thoughts coming through

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how much do I want to get better. I’ve been feeling that as much time as we’ve put in therapy we should be further along in the process than we are now. I’ve done fairly well at stopping some of those self-destructive behaviors that used to plague my existence. However, the eating disorder is what gets me stuck in time. I don’t understand how I could still be struggling with those behaviors based on how much inpatient, residential, and outpatient treatment we’ve had. But I’ve realized that one of the reasons …

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Sounds of silence

I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been quiet. At least on the outside. Things are revving up on the inside. I haven’t posted because I have nothing to say. I’m reading everyone else’s post and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Why don’t I have anything to contribute? Why don’t I have anything special to offer the blogging community? Why am I such a loser? More specifically, why am I so fat? Why is everyone better than me? Why can’t I hold down a job? Why is everyone prettier than me? Why, why, why, why, why this, why that, …

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A picture is worth a thousand hateful, ugly words

I’m sitting here dissociating like hell. I feel them right behind my eyes. Heaven help me. I hope this post makes sense. When I was importing my photos to my computer, I saw some my husband, D. had taken of me before and after I went into residential treatment. I almost gagged. There is a marked difference and if anything in the world could make me feel even fatter, it’s those damn pictures. I didn’t erase them. D. didn’t want me to. He thought the pre-residential treatment photos would motivate me to stay on the right track and fight the …

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