Throwback Thursday

TBT ~ Metaphor ~ A Comparison Between Then and Now

Welcome to Throwback Thursday where I find a blog post that is at least five years old and compare how I was doing back then to how I am doing now. The following piece entitled “Metaphor” is a poem I wrote on December 26, 2012, comparing myself to the act of writing and story-telling.  I use writing to describe how I’ve been altered, revised, and changed.  Though this piece deals with aspects of Dissociative Identity Disorder, there is an overall theme to which everyone can relate.  Please read the passage; my comments and comparisons between then and now will follow. …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

THE COUP: ILLEGAL SEIZURE OF POWER

Maybelline sound asleep.  She loves her crate.  Makes her feel safe and secure. I don’t know if I can write this post.  I feel extremely dissociative at this very moment despite taking my medication. I don’t know why it’s important to write this, but last night’s experience was so bizarre, disruptive, and disturbing that I need to make sense of it.   Last night wreaked havoc on me, and I’m not sure I can adequately give voice to it.   I think something was triggered in our session with Therapist yesterday.  We came home, journaled, and then went to our …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Safety is as Stupid Does

Maybelline taking a long nap after a walk. I feel uneasy and unsettled, and a lot has to do with our session with Therapist.  The clock revealed only 30 minutes had elapsed, so I must have lost time in there.  I remember talking about Husband’s violent behavior and about how others cope who don’t cut, which I find interesting because the cutting isn’t what Therapist should be worried about.  Burning and my restrictive thoughts and behaviors should concern him more.  But with satisfaction I digress.   Always looking for safe places. So I’m supposed to blog about what would make …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Writing, Therapy, and Flashbacks

I don’t feel like conspiring to write brilliantly.  I don’t want to care that the creativity has gone out of me like a candle in the wind.  I think I shall never write again because we are not in the blackouts of depression, despair, or constant self-damnation to write from the heart and soul again. There’s a website I’m linking here called Writing Forward that has creative writing prompts, but I haven’t been doing them.  Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because there’s no audience to which to write, maybe the prompts just don’t speak to me like writing about the …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

I don’t feel well.  I have been dissociative, spacey, and dizzy all evening.  There’s a sense of urgency to write, and I can’t escape it.  I must, I must, I must eject what’s in this crazy, demanding  head. I was anxious this morning, but I knew I would be taking my dog Maybelline for a walk and that would help dissipate some anxiety, and it did.  After our walk, my anxiety lessened until this evening. But this evening the anxiety shot back up, and the dissociation made it impossible to think and speak clearly.  I’ve had some things on my …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Whispers Heard as Screams

I’m going on record declaring this complete bull shit. —————————————————————————————– I don’t know what to say really.  I don’t know what to feel either. Maybe I am really okay, and it didn’t hurt as badly as it seems.  Or, maybe I’m covering up the greatest pain we’ve ever known throughout the gift of numbness. I’m sure I am being dramatic.  It’s true; I’m not crying.  No, I’m not overly anxious.  Surely there is nothing wrong. I mean, what damage has been done?  Maybe the lack of feelings are because the damage is more intellectual, more cerebral.  Emotionally it’s no big …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

I AM the Old Struggle

This weekend was an exercise in futility.  Still reeling from the session with Therapist written about  here,  I unsuccessfully navigated a weekend that was filled with meaning and importance for me, and I failed. I keep going over it in my mind, twisting it, turning it, unknotting it, what was said by Therapist  and I’m starting to feel angry about the session. I don’t know. I don’t know.  I don’t know. I. don’t. know. My guard is up.  My mind is closed clam shut. I reverted back to whom I don’t want to be. Fuck all that. These words are …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Big Fat Lies

It’s been a few years since I’ve been on here.  Don’t really know what I’ve been up to except teaching high school and going off to treatment. Tonight I was looking at the very first entry in an incomplete journal book, beginning date of 10-15-2008.  I was in residential treatment at the time. There was a line written in that entry that I found poignant as I reviewed it.  It read: My eating disorder cares more about me than I do about myself.   Nine years later, that’s probably still true. On the opposite page of the journal entry, I was …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Keturah

I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate nights like these. Empty. Spoiled. Long. I am a child. And I can’t breathe. My brain hurts. It’s not a headache. My brain is itchy and scratchy and needs to be soothed and calmed. Everything feels wrong. My hands hold my head. I need comfort, but I don’t know where to go, as if there was some place to turn. I get desperate. I need to go. These nights are the hardest to suffer. They make me ache like nothing else can. The nights make me feel lonely and helpless …

Continue Reading