The body remembers what the mind tries to forget. I am not okay. I am disconnected and can not get back to me. I am going through a body memory. It has lasted over five hours, some of it while I was in public and among friends. I couldn’t confess it to anyone I was with; I just hope I hid my morificaiton and shame. My body remembers what I don’t want to know. I feel it assualting me, and I feel the anxiety either trail blazing the body memory or following it as a stray. I’ve tried to fight it off; didn’t work. I took medication; it didn’t work. I used premium therapuetic grade-level essential lavendar oil; didn’t work. My body is out of control; I think it’s starting to penetrate my head because I’m going mad. I can’t describe this body memory.
Just hands. Sensations. Ebbing. Flowing. Spasming. Shivering. Shuddering. Shaming.
I don’t know what to do with this.
There are no visual connections to the body memory. Just physical feelings. I’m in and out of my mind but still feeling the memories.
I’m really scared. I can’t breath.
Now I feel I’m growing little. I sense the littles in the background and all I can do is sit here and take it and take it hard. They are not in pain, but they are close by. They are alone. No one is taking care of them.
I am really, really scared. I want to cry right now, but I can’t find myself. Hopefully I won’t ever come back.
What does my body want from me? What do the littles want?
this is bringing up hatred toward our missing therapist. I think it’s related to the littles. I think they are hurt by him; what that has to do with body memories I don’t know. I hate him for them.
What I do know are words are my solace. They bring me comfort. Tonight they have failed me.