On the personal

When Sadness and Hopelessness Seize Me

In a rare sighting, sadness and hopelessness has its grip on me.  It’s amazing how many mood swings I can have in one day.  Is that just a characteristic of having a dissociative disorder, or does everyone swing like this?    I try not to write about the every-day-goings-on of my life because it’s not always rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns bursting sparkles and glitter.  I always try to see the positive in every situation, look for the good in people, work to be happy in every moment, and strive to convince myself the remaining  noise will pass.  But tonight, I …

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INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC MONDAY!! POST 1

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Maybelline hogging my heated plush throw.  Silly girl.   Are you ready for some inspiration? Welcome to the first Music Monday!  As I wrote in my last post found here,  I have dedicated Monday to music.  For today’s Music Monday, I have 3 incredible songs that I hope will inspire you to keep working and  fighting in your recovery.  I’ve scoured songs from multi-genres and discovered music that I trust will speak to the feelings and thoughts of  men and women dealing with the scourge of mental illness.  Some of the songs you may like, some …

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THE COUP: ILLEGAL SEIZURE OF POWER

Maybelline sound asleep.  She loves her crate.  Makes her feel safe and secure. I don’t know if I can write this post.  I feel extremely dissociative at this very moment despite taking my medication. I don’t know why it’s important to write this, but last night’s experience was so bizarre, disruptive, and disturbing that I need to make sense of it.   Last night wreaked havoc on me, and I’m not sure I can adequately give voice to it.   I think something was triggered in our session with Therapist yesterday.  We came home, journaled, and then went to our …

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AGE IS NOTHIN’ BUT A NUMBER

Mom, I’m out of peanut butter! I’m not a happy camper.  Plenty of reasons why.  I burned myself yesterday.  It’s only a bummer because it doesn’t hurt today.  I know what will. We sent a scathing email to Therapist last night.  I’d be nonplussed  if he didn’t tell me not to come back.  But he deserved it.  He thinks I’m too mature, which means too old, to self-harm.  Probs buys into the idea it’s a young person’s disease. Maybe I am too old to engage in such behaviors, but then why do I want to do it so bad?  Why …

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ARE YOU SAFE?

Trigger Warning YOU ARE NOT SAFE, NOT EVEN CLOSE. I am quite uneasy; be still my nerves.  An unknown nagging feeling keeps jabbing at the back of my mind, worrying me, filling me with concern and disrupting my thoughts.   I am supposed to write something for Therapist, but I don’t know if I have an accurate topic.  Something about finding a reason to give up cutting and restricting.   I suppose this is in response to the fact that I’ve been cutting and joined a weight loss program that I am taking a little too far. So I guess …

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Am I Reality? and What Not to Disclose to Your Therapist!

An amalgam of three days of journal writing Our purpose here is to figure out two things:  1) how to nurture our angry protector Tina 2) Therapist mentioned that we need acceptance.  Figure out what he meant by acceptance.  Accept what? I don’t know what he meant by acceptance.  All I want to do is ask him to see us twice a week.  Would that be nurturing enough for Tina to see the only person she even semi-trusts for two hours a week?  Therapist would say no and charge us with finding other people we can trust, and then that …

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Conversations with my imagination

Saw Therapist again.  It was another wasted session where I refuted that I dissociate or have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.  To complicate matters more for me, he never came out and said, “Yes, you do have D.I.D.” which gives me cause for hope and despair.  If we don’t have D.I.D., then what is wrong with me?  I had a happy childhood.  Most of my memories growing up are good, though there are always some you wish you could leave behind and forget.  So now we are floating all adrift, don’t know where we’re going, how to get there, …

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I AM the Old Struggle

This weekend was an exercise in futility.  Still reeling from the session with Therapist written about  here,  I unsuccessfully navigated a weekend that was filled with meaning and importance for me, and I failed. I keep going over it in my mind, twisting it, turning it, unknotting it, what was said by Therapist  and I’m starting to feel angry about the session. I don’t know. I don’t know.  I don’t know. I. don’t. know. My guard is up.  My mind is closed clam shut. I reverted back to whom I don’t want to be. Fuck all that. These words are …

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If the Truth Were Told

I even said a prayer before my session with Therapist today and asked God that I not be so guarded and to help me be open to change.  But what transpired between me and Therapist was more than I bargained for, and I deeply regret it. As I remember it, the discussion centered around purging and how I think eating makes me a whore.  I didn’t understand these feelings, so he asked something around the idea of did I want to know why there might be the association of food being dirty and how eating makes me a whore. Here’s …

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Big Fat Lies

It’s been a few years since I’ve been on here.  Don’t really know what I’ve been up to except teaching high school and going off to treatment. Tonight I was looking at the very first entry in an incomplete journal book, beginning date of 10-15-2008.  I was in residential treatment at the time. There was a line written in that entry that I found poignant as I reviewed it.  It read: My eating disorder cares more about me than I do about myself.   Nine years later, that’s probably still true. On the opposite page of the journal entry, I was …

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