a short writing. i really can’t see the screen through the tears. is that like seeing the forest from the trees? perhaps. more importantly, does it matter. i haven’t been able to pull myself together all day. tried and tried and tried to study for this American Lit test but my head keeps bombing out. I am so overwhelmed and stressed. i purged. my eating has been so weired today and that has stressed me out. i’m so overwrought that my head will explode any minute.
i’ve gone mad. i am thinking of dropping my classes, maybe just one. my life is out of control. i am out of control and feel just like i did last year, and it wasn’t a good time. i can’t scrape myself together and i see really bad things happening. i want to cut so bad right now. what stops me? i need D. to leave the restroom so I can get the bandages. the razor is in the purpose. i can already feel the sweet relief cutting through my veins. i can envision the red climbing to the top. yet, i hear d. complain that he is cleaning the bathroom and nothing is going right.
i meant it when i said i’ve gone mad. i can’t get it together. and the bed won’t give me up. it perpetuates my cycle of feeling like a failure. i feel like a failure because i can’t get out of bed and i can’t get out of bed because i feel like a failure. i had so much homework to complete this weekend and got almost none of it done. if i drop my class, it will put me so far behind. you can only take certain classes in the education program at certain times. i will never finish. i always knew it was a dream. but a dream i wanted. now i can’t even look at a book without dreaming of a razor. i’m paralyzed. can’t move. can’t think. what made me think i could do what everybody else was doing.
As Lieutenant Dan said in Forrest Gump on the hospital floor, “I was supposed to be a soldier. What do I do now? What do I do now?”