Noise. Music without the sound is noise. And that’s what I hear.

I could easily get distracted right now. Perhaps I already am. Music is literally playing in the background but in my mind there is no sound.

 

I haven’t been myself today. I don’t know who I’ve been. I wish I could shake her out of my ear. Kind of when you get water trapped in your ear and you tilt your head to the side and hit the other side of your head to tap hard the water out. That’s how I feel about this headmate. I’d like to tilt my head and shake her out.

Not really though. I know she is here for a purpose, but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I think she’s inclined to anger. When we were driving this morning I could feel the road rage drape me like I fine shroud. I had to let my husband drive in my place because I couldn’t shake the head mate’s  influence, and I really felt myself seething with her anger at the slow-driving people in front of us.

I wish I could share her name. I think she’s accepting of me calling her by her name, but I’m not so courageous. What’s the worst that can happen? Could it be used against us?

The Ignorant Tune About DID

Someone reached out to me recently, another woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) who claimed she knew me and my family, but I had no recollection of her. I checked with my extended family if they really knew her, and they told me to stay away from her, that she was bat crazy and had multiple personalities. I guess my extended family does not know of my blog because I wonder if they would speak so critically of DID if they knew their family member had it. 

They were so disparaging of DID and thought everyone with it was crazy. I guess to the outside (and even inside) world it does sound pretty incredible, but if that is the case, then go get your ass some education about it instead of tearing people down whom you don’t understand.

But I should expect no less from that side of the family. They are ignorant and backward. 

Victoria is Music to My Ears

So Victoria and myself have spent the day eating chocolate, watching Star Wars, and listening to music. Physically and mentally I haven’t felt well. Something is just off. I hate that feeling.

Off. Kind of like the music cut off in my head.

And I don’t know exactly what’s off so I can’t make it right. Frustrating.

I don’t know why Victoria is out. She’s been present a little more often lately. I wonder if that’s because she’s been doing some creative things at work, and it has sparked her interest and led her to be more active. 

Maybe being “off” started last night. Husband and I got home from a free night of Chick-Fil-A food, and shortly thereafter I crashed. I feel asleep sometime after 5:30 and woke up this morning at almost 8:00. 14 1/2 hours of sleep. I don’t know why I have these deep sleep periods. Some might even refer to them as black out periods. I was not drinking, drugging, or doing anything to alter my conscious. Still, I slept and remember nothing till my dog wanted to go out this morning.

My SEO settings tell me this article sucks and will not be distributed. I say, “Go to hell.”  This post will go where it is needed. 

That’s all I have to say for now. I’m going to go listen to more music that carries no sound in my mind. What I actually hear are whimpering fears of depression coming home, accelerating screams and dreams, and the rising chaos of anxiety. And it’s coming at me on a loop.

As Noah Kahan sings in his song “Stick Season”, ‘I hope this pain is just passing through, but I’ doubt it.”