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Before and After

We’re home. Home. That has no meaning anymore. Being gone for nine months in treatment, it is understandable that this does not feel like home. Being home for fourteen hours, this feels really dangerous. Though it doesn’t feel like home, it is familiar, and that is spot on dangerous. I keep telling myslef and reviewing the tools that we learned in treatment: mindful breathing, containment, safe place, and grounding are just a few. I feel like a rubberband, any minuite I can snap back to my previous mind set and skip my lunch, drink too much coffee, shave a few calories here, something like that. I admit the temptation is there. When I came home I found medication in my drawer that I didn’t know I had, medication that would cause a timely and peaceful death. The rubber band snaps.

I miss my residential therapist. My littles one don’t understand the concept of not going back to see home. I told them to color him a picture and we can send it to him along with the cookies Tina is supposed to make him. That’s the job Tina thinks she wants: to bake. Maybe she’ll cook for us becuase I sure as hell don’t know how. I know one of us used to cook gourmet food a long time ago. We had every kitchen gadget and would make the most elaborate dishes.

I feel very disconnected and am listening to music while I type. I feel numb. Last night when we first got in it was bad. The mood was savage. We took a shower and saw the razor blades that belong to our husband. They look sweet and we imagined the ribbons of flesh we could pry away from our flesh and the blood that would swell up in its place. We didn’t cut. We thought how pathetic we would be just getting out of treatment and immediately reverting to our behaviors. But I suppose the smoothie we had for lunch/dinner would constitute a slip. Fuck it.
I don’t think anyone really expects this “recovery” to stick. It would be good to make it last. I want that; I really do. We accomplished more than I thought we would. Made important connections. The little ones shared part of their individual trauma to our therapist and the group. It was difficult to bear her story and feel the full force of her feelings and the physical aspect of her story. That was harder than eating the food, but in the end it made me closer to my system.

Feeling compassion and love toward every member of the system is something our residential therapist always encouraged. He said we would never heal and the members would never evidence themselves if I wasn’t compassionate towards them. So I got that out of treatment. I now view the system as a blessing, even though I’m not happy with my job. I am only the face of the system, a member of the system itself. The child died and is held by one of our members. The res. T. said she could be reborn but the others disagree. They would know better than he, but, then again, he was right about so much when they said we’d never get better and we got a little better.

I feel hungry. I love hunger pains. I must wait thirty minutes. It’s on the half hour right now and I need to wait to the beginning of the hour.

I texted some people from treatment last night but only one texted me back. I hope they are all just immersed in their Thanksgiving family fun. Either that or they are having a difficult time, too. Point is, I did something new and reached out for help. Even though only one person texted me back, it’s okay because I can’t put all my eggs on one basket.

So now I’m trying to figure out how to feel my days. I start an IOP on Thursday. That’s too many days away. My husband has taken off work to “baby-sit” me during the transition. In real words, he’s making sure I eat. Fuck that. I’ll do what I want. I’m getting my hair done on Tuesday so I’m glad he’s taking me. It’s in an area of town that has alot of traffic and I hate driving in traffic. I’m getting the pink taken out because it’s dulled itself now. But I bought a new box so when she highlights it I’ll come home and rebrighten it. ME loves having pink hair!!!
I bought the littles a Hello Kitty pez dispenser. I hate Hello Kitty.

So, before treatment I was a wreck. A suicidal, cutting, starving, purging mess. After treatment, I’m more grounded and willing to work on serious issues. The eating disorder is still a problem, but I am nothing like I was.

What I see giving me the most trouble is reconciling the “new” me to the “old” me and my “old” surroundings. Things in this house have to change or I will go back to what I was.

One of my infamous migraines is coming on. My parts are stirred up. I love them anyway. I’m trying to figure out what to do now that I’m out of treatment. Do I go back to work, to school, or do I just lay low and get through my IOP? I don’t know, but I know I can’t be idle. My time has to be structured or I will fall flat, and right now I’m leaning.

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