Complete, hungry, aching desire

Hours, minutes, seconds like this I just want to disappear. Is that suicidal ideation? So what if it is. I think it is more like resignation, a sigh that the eating disorder is my definition, my salvation, my comfort, my punishment, my everything. And I want to go home, but how many times have we established we don’t have a home? I sit in Panera, sucking up their free WiFi and letting their Hazelnut coffee become my breakfast, A.M. snack, and lunch. My time for residential treatment is almost over and what insights and tools have I gained. That’s a question and an exclamation. At times I think we’ve gained nothing, other times it’s more clear.

I won’t go in to details as to what I’ve worked on in therapy or what I’ve gained. I will say that we’ve discovered why food has always seemed dirty (explains the eating disorder.) You would think someone with a dissociative disorder might know intuitively know or make connectios, but you can know things cerebrally but not emotionally and this journey in residential treatment has been about learning emotionally. I didn’t need treatment to tell me that I hate ALL uncles, ALL neighbors, and ALL brothers.

I don’t know. Perhaps I’m rambling. I can’t believe I haven’t posted in so long. In the stepdown house I’m in we have no Internet access so I can only post from my Blackberry and that doesn’t always cut it. At least my Obsessive Compulsive Internet shopper can’t indulge herself. I love her dearly, but she’s put me in debt.

So I’m looking at being discharged from residential treatment on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. My therapist and I know we aren’t ready. The parts that hold the eating disorder and protect the system (mostly myself)….there’s a block there. Can’t finish the sentence. All I can say is that we aren’t ready to go in two days. More work needs to be done on the parts that hold the trauma. Even in treatment we’ve been able to restrict, purge, and/or binge and purge on a daily basis. If we were to be discharged now, we wouldn’t stand a chance. The key to the eating disorder is through the parts that hold the trauma. Some of the parts have told some of their story already, certain events, and it’s horrible, at least that’s what our therapist says. I guess for protection, the parts don’t give me the emotion full blown. I just have to trust my therapist that it was horrific.

I begin a IOP on Monday and I have an outside therapist that I worked with before treatment. I don’t have a psychiatrist, yet. I don’t know if this will work. I’m extremely trepidatious (Victoria is helping with words. tx). I feel sad, too, because I was just beginning to form closer relationships with the other six ladies in the house. One of the women could potentially be a close friend when I leave. In treatment, we all make plans to keep in touch but we never do. This lady and I will. I love her like I would love a sister.

I’ve been looking for a friend that I could be real with, that I could be uncouth, improper, crude self with and she fits the bill. She’s that way with me. It’s nothing for us to walk in on each other in the restroom and not care about it all. And that may be TMI (too much information) for you readers but what the hell! I have to let myself be real.

My husband flies into town tomorrow to have a few couples sessions before we go home, if we still go home. Our current therapist is going to ask for more time. Did I mention that? Anyway, D. is coming and it will be good to see him for many reasons. A lot of eating disorder reasons. When he came up last time and we had to go out to eat for dinner I told him I wanted a smoothie from Planet Smoothie. They have a delicious smoothie that’s only 300 calories, so we went there. He’s easy to take advantage of, but I think our current T. is going to give him the heads up on our tricks.

I know I’m rambling on and making this one long post. I just don’t have anywhere to go. I’m sitting inside the restaraunt watching people eat and wondering how do they not go crazy; how do they not get anxious from eating that fruit cup or vegetable soup? I want that. I can do that. I need to work on the trauma and unburden my internal family, my members, and then we can be free.

We’ve had urges to drink again. When we left in-house residential all our old urges came back full force. We’ve gone to Alcoholics Anonymous again. It was like going home. I miss going to AA meetings. Doesn’t matter what city you’re in, they are all the same: a bunch of drunks just trying to get through the day. I’m one of them. And I find a lot of the principles and beliefs are applicable to eating disorders. I don’t think EDA is appropriate. I wouldn’t work the steps for an eating disorder. Even though there are similiarities, with alcohol you can just avoid it. It’s easier gettting sober from alcohol than it is from food because you have to eat everyday.

I was offended in group yesterday by someone who has D.I.D. and was presenting her parts map. Of course she was emotional. As she was explaining her parts, she said she wished this wasn’t her. I got angry, although I didn’t say anything; but I thought, who would she wish this hell happen to? This is the apex of misery. It doesn’t get worse than this. I only wish this hell on perps. I’ve never cried I wish this wasn’t me, because if it wasn’t me then it would be someone else and the only ones who deserve this hell are sex offenders. I abhor their existence and wish they had parts that drove them crazy, cut them, burned them, starved them, and drank them to death.

Whatever happens in my case, whenver I’m discharged, I’ll have to make the best of it. I have my members and I view them as a blessing. Even though our coping skills are at times maladaptive, they are for protection. And I have to feel sorry for them and for me. It hasn’t been anything close to an easy life. Every step has been arduous. But here I am, with nothing but the desire to get better. I may not have the motivation to do it, but I have the desire to have the motivation, and, for now, that has to be enough.

Talk to me!

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