So here we are in long-term residential treatment and it sucks. Today is not a good day. I just want to pull the hair out. How am I supposed to get any peace when they keep shovihg food at me? Why did I even bother to come here? I knew from the get go that I didn’t want to gain weight, despite every one telling me that is what I had to do. I thought today that I would indulge them and gain the weight and relish in the high I get by losing it all again. Losing weight is half the fun. I had a dream last night that the scale said one figure and then I got back on it and the scale read a lower number. I was so relived.
But I can’t help truly hating myself. I confess I’ve purged since I’ve been here and they don’t keep a watchful eye like an inpatient setting so I’ve managed to throw away quite a few snacks and never been caught.
It all begs the question, why be here? Should I be patient and hope the switch will flip, or just pack it in?
My body is so tired. And I sleep alot. If I’m not in group, I’m sleeping in my bed. I miss my husband and my dogs. I would never tell anyone this but I wonder why go on. I doubt I will ever get better. They want me to gain weight and I want to lose it.
I’m just feeling depressed. It will pass. All good and bad does until all that remain is the hollow, numbed out soul you deceived yourself into believing.