It’s taken a few days to write this post. I’ve been molling it over in my head. A week ago I attend a support group that I usually go to, Emotions Anonymous. The format consists of go around the room, saying our name, and giving a feeling word. Then a topic is introduced and we go around and make a statement about the topic, or we pass if we don’t feel like talking.
Well, last Monday the topic was trust. Dirty word. Most people with truama histories have problems trusting. I find it hard to trust everyone and everything. It’s hard to trust my T., D., my husband, and to trust even myself. I can be one of the worst perpetrators of abuse against myself with all the cutting, burning, starving, purging, etc..
I thought it was interesting to hear everyone’s comments in the meeting. By far, the men asserted they were too trusting and the women complained they weren’t trusting enough. It didn’t surprise me. Women trust too much and get burned in the end when their hopes for friendship or courtship are dashed.
Well, yesterday’s reading in my affirmation book put the punctuation mark on the topic. The topic started off with a quote from “The Desiderata” and it reads, “The world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is.”
I have to make myself trust that there are good people out there, people that want to take the time to get to know me and be patient while we sift through the garbage and I can be a good friend. I have a lot to offer and I want to offer it. But right now, I can’t afford trust. It won’t always be that way because I see what I’m missing out on. It took the EA meeting and yesterday’s affirmation to realize it.
If I look at everyone as someone out to get me, then truly everyone will be out to get me. My reality depends on what I choose to focus. To overly concentrate on the world’s deceit has us constantly imputing false, shoddy motives to everyone we see or any activity we take notice of. If we regard the world this way, every gift becomes suspect, every kind deed a means for exploitation, and all innocence equals guilt or suspicion.
I’ve lived my whole life this way and all it’s gotten me is alone. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I have a lot that I could offer people.
I’m giving, concerened, empathetic, and agreeable. I would make a good friend.
The last quote of yesterday’s reading reads, “The world is only as dark as the glasses I wear.” I can choose to see only darkness and deceit in the world, or I can choose to see the potential that a trusting life can bring. Happiness determines my altitude, not just my attitude.
Now I just need hope. That will be a whole new post.