It’s been inconsistent and often fleeting, but I think I discovered my smile today. I woke this morning and felt the strangulation of depression release its grip a little. I even managed to take a breath.

I had an appointment yesterday with my psychiatrist, and he increased my Ketamine dosage. The thing about Ketamine versus traditional antidepressants is that it has the potential to work within days, if not hours. So I think the increase in my dosage was wise because my mood today is slightly better. At least I haven’t been consumed with thoughts of death.

However, I am cautious. Nothing is as dangerous as to start climbing out of depression only to sink back down into it, giving birth to the meanest rebirth that can exist.

I guess Monday was Mental Health Monday because, along with my psychiatrist,  I also had a session with my long-time therapist Randy, and that might have helped. Though my memory of it is spotty, I get the sense it was more productive than last week’s session. However, I still question his commitment to helping me because he did not take me up on my plea to kill me and put me out of my misery. Oh, well.

Monday also brought the test results of an MRI I had last week of my pituitary gland. To my relief, I have a  small, benign pituitary tumor which might explain the excess weight I’ve gained. This could mean there might be hope that with treatment, my body will return to a healthy and normal-for-me weight. 

Today Daniel and I took our dog Lizzie on a 3-mile walk. I hated every second of it. My body was not having it and rebelled with fatigue at every step. But I knew we all needed the exercise and fresh air, so we kept at it. I didn’t come home feeling any better than when I left, but logically I knew it benefited me even if I didn’t immediately feel it. 

When I came home from the walk, before I could rest and change my mind, I immediately grabbed my gardening supplies and went to the backyard to de-weed my flower garden. It’s been neglected lately, and the crabgrass has taken advantage of my absence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My flower gardens are a work in progress, and today they gave me a run for my money. 

Before.                                                        After.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lizzie tried to keep me company despite the heat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After weeding most of my flower beds, I started feeling the tentacles of depression reasserting their grip around my neck. There are hours left in the day. How will I fill them? What can I do to keep myself busy and distracted? Everything feels overwhelming.

These are the thoughts with which I am wrestling. I am trying not to place too many expectations on myself, but I have to find a constructive way to occupy myself.

Panic rises inside me out of fear that these feelings will overtake me and smother me again. I won’t forget this morning’s smile, and I will tenaciously cling to the hope one will surface again. Until then.

Current music mood: cautious and nervous

Song: First Aid Kit – “The Silver Lining”