Thought I would “write” a letter to the uncle, one of my perps. I’ve no intention of sending it. I just wanted to organise my thoughts. Forgive the foul language. One of my members who is helping loves to curse, and I think it’s fucking appropriate in this case.
________________________________________________
Asshole,
I thought I had already written my “fuck off” to you a decade but here I am no closer to recovery than the day I avowed not to be your silent accomplice any longer. I hate you; I say that for my benefit because you have no remorse and wouldn’t appreciate how damaging it is to hurt someone. And I hurt.
You always wanted to blame it on the fact that I had been in the looney bin and they must have whispered memories into me while I was sleeping or flavored the gelatin with a drug that confabulates ideas and thoughts. How paranoid can YOU be?
I’m tired of writing you letters. I’m tired of thinking about you. I’m tired of trying to undo all the damage you have caused. I bit my tongue when granddaddy was passing away and I had to see your shit face. I pretended to be civil but inside my bones were liquidating. I could hardly walk. My heart wanted to implode in my chest.
You had your “out.” You had your way of making things right. We when were put on grandaddy’s “death watch” duty together (why the hell did they pair me with you, fucking family fuck fuck fuck) I put on a bravado and asked if you wanted to discuss the letter I sent you; you refused. You wouldn’t admit the abuse; you wouldn’t refute the abuse. You just fucking ignored it, and I hate you almost more for that than the abuse. I deserve closure. I deserve to hear you say SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!! But we sat in a punishing silence as I took my unconscius grandfather and placed morphine drops under his tongue, while you cowardly sat in the closet with the sliding door, watching ME take care of YOUR father.
Time restrains all the words I have for you. I don’t mind it at all. Your a waste and one day you’ll get yours. I pray I’m there to see it.
Fuck off.
The Bold One,
Thanks for your comment. It really made me feel less alone. I say we ban together and nuke them all. 🙂
Take care.
Missing In Sight
Ivory,
I guess it might seem to make it easier to know who the abusers are. I can see it from both sides. Knowing who abused us makes it that much more real; however, not knowing would make me feel incomplete and invalidated.
Still, healing is possible and I hope you find it.
Missing In Sight
At least you know who abused you, I don’t. I almost envy this letter because you have aimed it at a person, instead of an imaginary “thing”.
Still, it’s healing. You go, girl.
Ivory
I’m with you. Thank you for writing the letter. You have no idea what my alter wants to do to bastards like your uncle.