I think we are recovered from yesterday’s post. Forgiveness is just a rough topic for us.
We’ve managed to slide out of our depressive spell and shower and wash our hair. Trust me; washing our hair is a chore. It is long and naturally curly and as thick as it comes. We are a natural highlighted blonde (if you didn’t get the joke it’s b/c it wasn’t a good one). We have strategically placed streaks of pink in our hair. The pink has faded a bit but that’s okay. We are going back soon and will supplement it with purple. Best to get the experimental side over with BEFORE we become a teacher next year. Hopefully we’ll graduate next year and pass the boards and get a job.
So today we were thinking how it would be best to handle alters when they come and go. Usually, we just take a tranquilizer and eventually it helps calm the chaos, but I feel that is inhibitive. There is obviously a reason the alter is coming out, so why stop them.
I’m trying really hard to get on the same page with my alters, to make decisions with them instead of an either/or situation.
Yesterday is a perfect example. We made the MOST delicious cinnamon rolls, recipe courtesy of The Pioneer Woman. This info is not new to those with D.I.D., but for the sake of those without the experience, let me just say that some alters have behaviors that need “modification,” so to speak. For instance, I have one alter that burns me, other alters that starve me or are responsible for me binging and purging. Those jobs served a useful purpose when they were first created, but now we are learning new coping skills, and we don’t want to use those maladaptive behaviors.
So the job was created for one of our members to bake instead of hurting us. So we made the group decision that yesterday she would make the cinnamon rolls. Everything felt okay. I didn’t feel dizzy, as often happens when members are out. I didn’t feel the chaos. I felt okay. No worries.
Then as we started on the cinnamon rolls, I felt her presence beside me. She didn’t take over; we were co-conscious. I tried to last it out. I could hear her thoughts in my head and they aren’t pleasant thoughts. She is an angry alter, with a proclivity to foul language and hand gestures. I heard it all in my head and observed her shooting birds at the television and going on a rampage.
Keep in mind she has the job of baker to detract from the negative behavior. So I’m wondering what went wrong. She did an excellent job of baking. The cinnamon rolls turned out great. It was her decision to bake as an alternative to her current function. It feels like it didn’t “take.” Maybe it will take practice for everyone to “switch” over to their new jobs. I guess old habits die hard.
The thing about her swearing at the t.v. and using hand gestures was that nobody was in danger; she just didn’t like what she saw and I felt an overwhelming need for her to express herself, albeit it in an “ugly” manner.
I give her props for baking. Maybe that means she’s trying.
But I’m getting distracted. I don’t know how to handle them when they come out to do an agreed upon job. Their presence “hurts” my head. It’s not a real headache, but I can feel them and it’s extremely uncomfortable. The tranq. calms me down and feels like it makes them go away. But I don’t want them to feel unwelcome.
I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I need to review distress tolerance in my DBT workbook. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.