It was advertised as a once-in-a-lifetime experience, a thrilling kind of opportunity, a close-up encounter, a trip we would remember for the rest of our lives. It’s true that I will never forget the opportunity of swimming with dolphins, but I wish I could.

A few years ago my husband Daniel and I went on vacation to an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, Mexico. We had the exquisite opportunity to swim with dolphins during our stay. While Daniel was electrified that he would be sharing space with dolphins, I was inspired more by dread than anything. I was fearful, not of the dolphins, but of myself and the dictates of my self-critical dialogue about my body image.

You see, though at the time I had been in recovery from my eating disorder, my belittling self-image decided to accompany me on my swim with the dolphins, Luka and Maya. 

I’ve had my eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I don’t remember a time when I ever accepted the shape or size of my body. My weight, no matter what size, has always been too much. I had always judged my size and shape ruthlessly, declaring myself too heavy, too big, too bulky, too chunky.  

It’s not even a critique anymore. That implies an honest criticism. I have been ruthless to myself and assessed my worth as a human being based on what the scale divulged and the mirror exposed. 

Swimming With Dolphins

 So on the day of swimming with the dolphins, I willingly convinced myself that everyone was staring at me and my “fat”,  my imagined lumps, bumps, and plumps, and not the dolphins. I imagined everyone was thinking:

• I’d be miserable if I looked like her. 
• How can she stand to be in public like that?
• I’d be embarrassed if I looked like that in a swimsuit.
• She needs to hit the gym.

But nobody else seemed to be concerned about my appearance. What is more important, for the hour or so we played and did tricks with Maya and Luka, they weren’t judging me.

Dolphins are compassionate, understanding, and curious, all the things I needed to be for myself. But I couldn’t be that for myself because I was too busy comparing myself to everyone around. I noticed they were having a great time, the great time that I wasn’t allowing myself to experience. I wondered to myself, “What is wrong with me?”

What was wrong with me was “me”. The dolphins didn’t care how I looked. The other patrons didn’t care. They were more concerned with themselves . I was the only one disturbed by my appearance, and I was the only one not having fun.

What was my swim with the dolphins about? Was it really to look good for other people? 

Maya and Luka were so innocent and pure. They didn’t look at me and refuse to do tricks because I was weight restored. They didn’t refuse a dorsal fin ride with me because of how I appeared. They played, danced, whistled, and clicked, and it was beautiful sight to see. But in the moment, I could not see it.

But It Gets Worse

After our swim with the dolphins, Daniel and I went back to our hotel where I hastily numbed myself with the placating effects of alcohol. I didn’t want to think, feel, or know the woman whom I thought was so disgusting.

Five double cranberry vodkas later, I was no longer the insecure, self-conscious, and panicked woman at the dolphin swim.

I was worse.

I became an obnoxious, irritating, and sullen woman. While Daniel was attracted to me physically, he wasn’t attracted to the belligerent me who spent the afternoon selfishly cuddled up to her temper tantrum and her self-degrading thoughts, and that sobers me even to this day.

Believing I Could Love My Body

It’s been five years since our vacation. While my negative body image continues to shadow me, there is a difference between the woman who swam with the dolphins and the woman who is writing this post.

The difference is in my willingness.

Today, I am willing to do the hard work to stop the judgmental voices. I am willing to view myself for who I am, not what I am. I am willing to embrace the compliments I receive. I am willing to read the affirmations and believe them. I am willing to console my negative thoughts and the woman they afflict. I am willing to do what it takes to accept myself.

To be transparent, I admit that my attitude towards my “fat” and appearance is not always better. While I am willing to work on my disparaging and self-deprecating thoughts, my negative body image jumps out of the shadows and hijacks my good intentions. 

The difference is I am willing to believe now that my body image and appearance do not measure my values.

My weight does not take into consideration that I am a kind person; that I am creative and intelligent; that I am a phenomenal teacher; that I am hard working, fair, understanding, and supportive. 

I allow myself to believe I am more than my weight. I am more than the sum of my parts. I am more than one definition.

No scale, no mirror, and definitely no despotic voices will ever convince me again that I am worth less than what I honestly am.

Though swimming with the dolphins was a unique opportunity, this life I live is the real once-in-a-lifetime experience – an experience going forward I intend to enjoy to the fullest without listening to my harsh inner critic.