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Resurfacing

I am now able to breathe again. This past weekend was indescribable, involving all the temper tantrums, self-deprecating thoughts, and histrionics a lapse in recovery can bring. Lying in the abyss of hell, one doesn’t feel that life can get better if you just hang on a little longer. Face down in despair, it feels like you will never find the other side of unbearable. I don’t feel the stirrings of hope today or the awakenings of promise, but I do know I’ve felt them before, and if I can keep working my recovery, I’ll feel them again. I’ll post …

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Preventing a fall.

I’m trying to keep a positive attitude today, but it turns out to be more challenging than with which I can cope. Today’s meditation hits home for me, and I’ve studied it as if there were an exam at the end of this post. The quote is by Thomas Fuller and he says, “A stumble may prevent a fall.” Yesterday I definitely stumbled. Cancelled on my T and dietician. Binged and purged. I came close to acting out with self-harm but was spared from the behavior, or rather I stopped myself from acting out self-destructively with matches. One can definitely …

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Too fat to die

I need help stopping my downward spiral. I know of at least one alter that is suicidal; some are apathetic, and others don’t want to die this fat. The last statement is really silly, I know. But that is how this mind works. I cancelled my therapy appointment today because I didn’t feel pretty enough to put on my nice dresses, which, incidentally, make me feel more attractive and like I want to wear my maxi dresses. I’ve had a hysterectomy and I have no idea where I am on the cycle (they left my ovaries), but I think I’m …

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Crowd of people

My head hurts. I just don’t feel right. My alters have been all over the board today; even now, I feel them hovering around. There’s not a moments peace or a moment alone. I am proud of myself for getting out of bed and taking the documents up to our university so we may begin classes again in the Fall. Sounds weird saying that. Just earlier one of our more depressed alters was out and she was talking of death. We have the means available to us and she was playing with the patches. She seems to have cried her …

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8th world wonder

I’m the 8th world wonder. No one can figure me out. I defy explanation. I’m either immersed in anorexia or burning my arm off. I’ve gained weight. I can see it, I can feel it, I can sense it, and I detest myself for it. Burning is a way of cleansing myself from my badness. Eating is bad, and I must be punished. I truly detest myself and death has transferred my thought process more than once. This past weekend was Mother’s Day and I completely forgot until I was at the mall buying my thirteen year old god-daughter a …

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