On the personal

How Grief Can Be a Blessing for Those Mourning

  Grief.  It can cause numbness, emptiness, shock, abandonment, depression, crying, exhaustion, confusion, and much more.  If such pain is brought on by grief, who would think of themselves as  lucky when they lose someone they dearly love?  But being lucky is the conclusion toward which I’m slowly reaching.   For almost a month, I’ve been mired in grief and the accompanying depression and sadness that ebbs and mostly flows with the loss and mourning of my mom.  The overwhelming grief for my mom is a monster for which nothing could have prepared me; however, my perspective is starting to …

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On the personal

When Sadness and Hopelessness Seize Me

In a rare sighting, sadness and hopelessness has its grip on me.  It’s amazing how many mood swings I can have in one day.  Is that just a characteristic of having a dissociative disorder, or does everyone swing like this?    I try not to write about the every-day-goings-on of my life because it’s not always rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns bursting sparkles and glitter.  I always try to see the positive in every situation, look for the good in people, work to be happy in every moment, and strive to convince myself the remaining  noise will pass.  But tonight, I …

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Writing, Therapy, and Flashbacks

I don’t feel like conspiring to write brilliantly.  I don’t want to care that the creativity has gone out of me like a candle in the wind.  I think I shall never write again because we are not in the blackouts of depression, despair, or constant self-damnation to write from the heart and soul again. There’s a website I’m linking here called Writing Forward that has creative writing prompts, but I haven’t been doing them.  Maybe because I’m lazy, maybe because there’s no audience to which to write, maybe the prompts just don’t speak to me like writing about the …

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A Big Secret Wrapped in a Bow

I’m only half a person right now.  You may poke and prod, dig around for the other half of Missing In Sight.  You will not find her.  You will find more, but you won’t find her.  I’m the only one here, lost inside this head, peeking out behind her eyes.   I am numb, and it inspires recklessness and danger throughout me.  The drive to feel pain is better than feeling nothing at all.  Inexplicably, I am so numb that I want to numb out from the numbness.  I want to take some pills that will put me to sleep for …

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Just for tonight

Went to bed not feeling well last night. Woke up this morning feeling even worse. Fever. Sore throat. Glands hurt. Being sick = Which = bad body image Which = unhealthy eating. Which equals relapse: I’m trying to keep this blog a positive place: But today it’s a struggle. But there’s always tomorrow: And a chance to start over. But for tonight, I am going to cry. And cry. See you in a better place tomorrow. XOXO

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The definition of “Help me”

It’s so hard to get these posts started. I just don’t know where to begin. I feel everything and I feel nothing. I am angry but I’m calm. I’m sad but have no tears to show for it. Then there’s the nothingness lulling me with her sweet numbness. I think I’ll take her side. I don’t know what’s really wrong with me. Maybe it’s the fact I put my husband in a psych ward yesterday. Maybe it’s because it brings up my own terror images of being locked away. Maybe it’s because the last thing husband said to me was …

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The Missing In Sight Theme

The Perishers, featuring Sarah McLauchlan One may think we’re alrightWe need pills to sleep at nightWe need lies to make it through the dayWe’re not okay One may think we’re doing fineBut if I had to lay it on the lineWe’re losing ground with every passing dayWe’re not okay That’s one thing I would neverThat’s one thing I would neverThat’s one thing I would neverSay to you. ———————————————— Music says it best these days. I’m fading out of sight. I am a riddle, a rhyme, a cryptogram. If you can figure me out then you get to keep me. I …

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