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Thanks for nothing

i really don’t know what will become of me. The anxiety is so so bad that i was so close to D. taking me to the medical hospital. i coulnd’t walk, the room was shaking, I wanted to jump out of my skin. And no matter what I did I coudln’t get better. Today, no matter how many tranqs. I took I was still seeing double.

I can feel the buildup because I’ve been crying during these attacks. and please, someone, realize how far gone i am. i can’t do this anymore. and things go though my mind and my last skydive is prepared for. it’s easy to do. i just have to do it. and there has to be another way. this is more than my everyday general misery. this is the height of it. and i don’t know how to stop it. the shrink finally called back and I’m starting to get to know her style. no wonder randy recommends her…they are both scattered and don’t listen.

i’m having hot and cold flashes and i haven’t felt this bad since last summer. enough said.

Julie likes Ryan Gosling, but we will not discuss Julie tonight. We are too far gone. This will be a short…even final blog. I’m concerned about my classes. I cannot do the work as long as the anxiety is like this. out of all the work i have to do, i’ve done none it. didn’t even work out at the gym and that is clear indication that we don’t feel well. i’ve been in bed today except to drive out to the tattoo parlor to get my cartlidge pierced. most people would say ouch, but when I was living with D. and B. I pierced my cartlidge myself. It hurt like hell, but I got off on it. I may have a millionm piercing by the time all this is through. i don’t give a fuck. i may pierce that other piece of ear before…lost the thought.

i want to move to Charleston so bad i can take it. the only thing is that i can start a Masters program if I stay right where I am and not teach. it’s a delimna because I love to write and i would love to get a Masters in writing, not that I would ever publishing anything. my currrent professor loves my work although i don’t know how much he’ll like the next piece.

i wish i was a teenager in the fourties. i wouldn’t have to deal with all the shit i deal with now. life is so complicated and so unforgiving. it is so painful and there are no answers. i need simplicity and love and tradition. my life is devoid of that. i hate my life. i can’t breathe. this anxiety will kill me before i can kill the anxiety,so to speak. one has to give. the hot and cold flashes i can’t bear, and i can’t bear the visual ticks, the visual disturbances, the way the room rocks back and forth.

i had a memory earlier i wanted to share. i remember it now. it wasn’t anything big. it was based on music. I miss the Music Maiden. Once I get the music back I’ll remember. I believe it was a trip I took to Florida by other families who could read the unhappiness etched on my face. I had a psuedo friend. My former best friend, I’ll call her D.C., has been written off my list. The last time we talked, I confided in her some of the trouble I was having. I only just now heard from her. She left a message on my VM. I’m hurt by that and at least ought to give her the benefit of the doubt, although part of me believes I ought to see how interested in our well-being she is by when and if she calls again.

all i can do is ask for help, and when i’m denied, no one can blame me.

she’s so dark and black, but she speaks for the rest of us. the one thing we wish to fantacize about is the one thing for which we can’t speak. and we wonder, if we live, what happens to our classes? they’re gone. We get a “W”. I dont’ care if the circumstances are “understandable.” But then you don’t worry when you skydive. you just enjoy the freedom that type of life gives you. skydiving is another way to escape, but the final way. and when you shore yourself up with the necessary equipment, no one can take the feedom away from. D. doesn’t know I want to skydive, so I’ve hidden all my equipment. He was remarking in the car today about how he feels he failed us, hasn’t taken good of us. He bought the littles the graham cracker bees from Honey Maid but it pisses the bigs off because some of us have weight to lose and we can’t be tempted with that shit.

He doesn’t know how to buy a gift for his life. just do a god damn gift certificate. i don’t want lingerie, i don’t want food. i don’t want what you think i want. so cut some slack. what a waste not to make it to the half year. what a waste anyway. the waste is what types. somewhere deep inside i know he loves us. but what different does it make. i’ve argued with Randy over and over that people shouldn’t live for other people. why i would make D. happy is irrelevant, why I be a good teacher and have a positive impact on my students doesn’t translate into a reason to live. but something hasn’t. there has to be a reason to live and unless we find one soon…

i was watching “The Notebook” and the beginning of the love scenes. I would be able to tell from a million miles away what Noah was after and if I were Allie I would have run a million miles. If caught and trapped, I don’t know if I could have pretended like I enjoyed it as much as she did.

How do people stand it when someone else’s hands are on them, only to gratify themselves, not the person whose body they are groping. How can people be naked beside each other. I just dont’ understand it. the more questions I don’t understand, the more of life I miss it, the more I realize I different I am, the more skydiving throught the beautiful cloudless sky seems real and probable.

i hate life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 thought on “Thanks for nothing”

  1. I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time. I know that there is a reason for you to be here. I just can’t tell you what it is but I truly believe that we are all here for a reason.

    As much as I hate all the pain that I have gone through, I know that it has made my who I am today and honestly I wouldn’t trade one shred of it because then I would be someone different. I really like who I have become and that I can have the faith to tell you it is worth holding onto this life, even if you can’t see or feel it right now. It is worth holding onto.

    I know that things are confusing and painful and dark but you can get through this stuff. You do have the strength within you. And I believe in you. You are worth it.

Talk to me!