I’m only half a person right now. You may poke and prod, dig around for the other half of Missing In Sight. You will not find her. You will find more, but you won’t find her. I’m the only one here, lost inside this head, peeking out behind her eyes.
I am numb, and it inspires recklessness and danger throughout me. The drive to feel pain is better than feeling nothing at all. Inexplicably, I am so numb that I want to numb out from the numbness. I want to take some pills that will put me to sleep for the night where I don’t have to deal with not feeling anything.
I’ve been feeling a far off irritability and distant frustration since Saturday night. I can pin point the exact moment I changed. The feeling just washed over me.
It’s quite possible and probable that my irritability is a result of my recent weight gain. Though my treatment team would say it is appropriate I gain weight, I can’t stand myself. I feel like I thunder through the halls at school and work. I don’t feel comfortable or safe in my own skin right now. I definitely feel like I’m in danger and flashbacks of one of the abusers are frequent.
I think it’s also possible this emotional instability is due to the holidays. The big secret wrapped in a bow is that we have never celebrated one holiday. No birthdays. No Christmas. No Thanksgiving. No nothing. The littles feel very hurt at this time of year because they have never played in what they see others do. They have never experienced what children might feel like on Christmas, waking up to lots of presents, peeking in stockings, smelling hot cocoa wafting through the cozy, snuggly house. The Bigs feel left out because they don’t know what it’s like to shop for others, to gather with family and watch movies together, to sit down to a special dinner with special plates and special glasses and special forks; To have enjoyable, happy and laughter filled dinner conversation; To feel the comfort and safety of family surrounding you, supporting you, loving you.
I feel sad for all of us. Even in the body’s adulthood, we still aren’t “allowed” to celebrate the holidays. It’s a power of wills between the members. And in this case, nobody wins.