Broken, Beaten and Bullied
I’ve been bullied, broken, and beaten, and the resulting despair is a constant companion. I can count on it. I depend on it. It never lets me down. The nighttime, from 6 pm -10 pm is the graveyard where my pretenses go to die and awaken feelings of worthlessness.
I was bullied in middle school relentlessly, and the consequences of such peer-abuse have been profound. I’ve felt lonely, not good enough, and lacking in every aspect of my life.
Maybe it’s good in a way . . . to feel this despair. Before this point, I would try to steel myself against the pain, but now when the evening comes and the pain dives down to grab me, I cry burning tears down a well-worn pathway, and my resolve is lost. I become that bullied child all over again. My claim to happiness.
Why Being Bullied Matters
I often think I should just get over it. They were just kids, weren’t they, and it was decades ago, after all. Did they know they were hurting me? Does it even matter to this day?
Ask my insecurities if it matters. They’ll tell you.
Ask why we constantly need others’ approval or help in making decisions. Ask why we can never trust ourselves. Ask why our adult-self cannot make friends, trust others, and harbors fears in social settings.
Ask, ask, ask away. The answers agree and never disappoint.
What About Now
Now, decades later, so many years have ticked off the calendar, but I still see that emotionally beaten and broken child, 6th grade, with her head down on her desk, with tears bursting through the failed attempts of constraint, embarrassed to be caught her in their bullying grasp again.
I can’t make it go away. I still measure my worth on links, followers, tweets, subscribers, and “likes.” I’ve tried hard to be satisfied with myself but being insignificant and unsubstantiated still lingers.
Sadly, tonight, I remember that girl. She was me, and I was her, and neither of us is okay tonight. She still cries, and I still watch, helplessly. We take turns when it gets to be too much . . . and tonight it’s too much . . . for both of us . . . and I want so badly for someone to listen.
I was bullied as a kid, too! And I was a creater if a 16 page newsletter for 3 years and quit because a mother and daughter became editors on it out of the blue about a year before I quit. I couldn’t take their nasty behavior that would put me in a senseless spin. They were actually incompetent and my inside people got afraid of them because they are Passive/Aggressive! In fact, one time, I had a 5 year old girl take my Sight away to protect me so that I didn’t have to see the mother – I only heard the woman’s voice. Whenever I see the mother, I avoid her and stay far, far away.
That’s fascinating. Bullying has long-lasting consequences. Do you think it still affects you today?
Yes, it does. Sorry, I just now saw this and forgot that I even wrote.