Days like today just hurt because I don’t know what to do with myself. No activity I try on fits. Nothing seems right. I am paralyzed in depression.

It’s past noon, and I’m still in my pajamas. Whatever.

I started a new journal today. It took exactly eight months to the day to say what could be said in my other journal. It was dedicated to my headmates who didn’t want to speak or just couldn’t find the words. They are still brave souls.

I am a journal fanatic. You can never have too many journals. I have about five more of them waiting patiently for my words, my thoughts, my feelings. I love my new journal with its brightly colored elephants. They are my spirit animal. Elephants just know. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a teletherapy session with Celia, my ED (eating disorder) therapist. It didn’t go so well, and I only feel all the more hopeless and depressed. It started off with me asking her what her policy is on communication outside of our appointments. She let me know upfront what her boundaries are, which is good. Communication of expectations is essential in a healthy client-therapist relationship. However, her boundaries left me feeling like we were a burden, we were asking too much, and that she didn’t care about us. Our only desire was to be able to email her outside of the session to let her know our thoughts on a particular session or to communicate how we were doing during the week. Nothing over the top.

I guess our regular therapist Randy has spoiled us. We sometimes email him between sessions, and he never has said it’s too much or we’re too needy. He has never mentioned charging us to read them. We email him because he feels approachable most of the time, so we send him thoughts and feelings we have that are often too difficult to talk about in the session.

Celia said if I were to email her at 2:00 am (I would never!) or too frequently that we would need to discuss whether a higher level of care was needed and that she might have to start charging me to read my emails. 

I guess I took it personally because I was really hurt by her response. I understand she has a life outside of our session and has every right to set boundaries, but I felt abandoned and like she didn’t care. I didn’t share my feelings with her at first, but I finally summoned the courage to bring it to her attention because our session wasn’t productive with me being so distraught. 

We spent the remainder of the session discussing it, and she tried to reassure me she cared and could be available if I needed her, but I feel so rejected and don’t’ know how to handle it. I know she is very open to discussing the topic and how it’s affecting me. Celia said we should talk more about my response in upcoming sessions, and I will try. I do need to work through this with her, but I feel I need a therapist who would be willing to offer support to a small degree outside of the session if I need it. Now I question if the relationship can survive this. I am so hurt and dejected, I don’t know to recover from the blow.

Part of me wants to look for another therapist, but I know the same feelings of abandonment, rejection, and disappointment will reappear somehow, someway, if I don’t work through this with Celia. 

Meanwhile, I need to do something with myself today. What I want to do is take some pills and numb out with a nap. But I will try to do the opposite of what I feel like doing, and I will take a shower, do some word puzzles, and try to stomach some songs that have positive energy.

But, for the moment, this is today’s music theme.

Today’s Music Mood