Had another session with Dietician. Why do I let it torture me so? The session just sucks the wind out of my sails, sucks out the life and makes me a ghost.
I hate living in this body with everyone else.
I hate feeling dirty and unclean.
I hate that I can’t get off the effing exercise machine.
I hate how the number on the scale defines me.
I hate that food tortures me.
I try and tell myself that it’s just food. It can’t hurt me. It won’t jump off the plate and attack me. But my head doesn’t believe it and neither does my heart.
When I see me I see fat; I see a loser and a failure; I see someone nobody likes. I see damaged goods until I can’t see anymore.
I don’t know how I ever thought I could recover. I forgot why I started trying. I’ve lost my motivation. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I am not sure this will help…
But these kinds of feelings that you are able to articulate may be a route to healing the eating. It's not just about eating now… You are getting at what the feelings are the drive the behaviors… and this is good.
I know this is really hard and I'm not going to say it's going to get easier anytime soon, but I hope it will eventually. I can only imagine how hard it is to fight everyone. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope you're okay. Thanks for the comment on my blog, I'm glad you liked the homework I did with the cards.
Sarah