Saw Therapist again. It was another wasted session where I refuted that I dissociate or have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. To complicate matters more for me, he never came out and said, “Yes, you do have D.I.D.” which gives me cause for hope and despair. If we don’t have D.I.D., then what is wrong with me? I had a happy childhood. Most of my memories growing up are good, though there are always some you wish you could leave behind and forget. So now we are floating all adrift, don’t know where we’re going, how to get there, or what to do if we ever make it there.
Tina, I’m curious. Why do you feel the need to deny it after all these years?
It’s complicated. I feel I am no longer needed, and if you don’t need me I might as well disappear. I don’t know why I was around anyway. Nobody needs anyone. You seem to get along fine without my intervention and that makes me unneeded and invisible. I feel like a damned lie.
Is that why you play games with Therapist, you feel if you keep messing with him he’ll be interested in your well-being and you won’t be invisible.
Don’t play innocent with me. Have I not done my job, and with no gratitude? And have I not sat back and watched others embraced by warm, fuzzy feelings only for me to return to my coldness and anger? Do you not all want attention? I scan the room and find hearts that want Therapist’s approval and attention just as much as me. Almost all of you want his attention and want to feel special by him. The littles look at Therapist like he’s a father figure, and I’ll be damned if we become a case of transference. I know the Littles can’t help it, but should I not protect them from the embarassment and rejection they will face? And others just need to feel cared for. So I’m here to protect you, though I feel I’ve fallen short, you don’t need me, and I’m exhausted. I just don’t get myself. There’s proof I’m one way and there’s proof I’m another.
It’s not the first time you’ve denied we have D.I.D. Why again this time? Why now?
I’m fearful. I wonder why no one else is. It feels like something is going to blow up inside these walls. I have not the imagination to know what it is. It always turns into nothing, leading to disbelief. How can someone ever get better with out knowing what’s wrong with him or her? How can Therapist effectively treat us when we don’t know what to tell him? I don’t want to talk about this further for fuck’s sake, but I will say that I get tired of being the angry, tall, aggressive, protective one. I’ve grown tired of being on the watch for everyone. Just once, I wish someone would see I’m crying, scoop me up, carry me away, wipe my tears away, and tell me it will be okay . . . the same way I did for them all these fucking years. I’m over it all.