The drama of this past weekend has subsided a little. I met with Dietician today and explained to her how I felt I couldn’t trust her because she was making me fat. When she weighed me, my weight had maintained over the past month, so she may not be making me as fat as I feel she is. An area we talked about was the subject of curves on a woman. I said to her I felt I was gaining weight primarily in my hips and thighs and she asked me what was wrong with having curves. When she asked this of me I sensed a great stirring inside my system. Then I heard a voice cry, “We don’t want curves!” I immediately recognized this voice when I heard her and when she gave me images of an eleven year old girl playing at the house of someone that would hurt her. This is one of the members/alter/part that has the eating disorder. I am so frightened of her and what she has to tell me that I hardly want to think of it. I don’t know what to do with this.
Missing In Sight
A mental health blog created with you in mind
I have been where you are. My 11 year old alter (color), Smoke, has many issues. Issues with everything and everyone. A few years ago, I was exactly where you are as it pertains to being terrified and not knowing what to do with it. I spent every day, all day, trying to hide from it and her. Finally, I gave up. My T said the information she wanted to give me couldn't hurt me. It was only a memory, not a physical event. I think I was afraid of "knowing". Once I found a way to stop being afraid of knowing all that happened to me, she came forward, many times to try to tell her story. It was heart breaking for me to know that I'd held her in check all these years – and it wasn't her fault all that stuff had gone on. Don't be afraid, it's not happening now. Give your self (selves) a break. She's telling you she feels as bad as you do, help her thru it.